Magic Phrases For Polyamory

We all want magic fixes to our problems, but there's no such thing. What we DO have are magic phrases or simplified knowledge that we can use to realign ourselves with our intended outcomes. Many times, we find ourselves in a pickle due to a series of small choices that lead us off course. Correcting is as simple as developing guiding phrases and following them unflinchingly. We can guide our intended outcomes by repeating pearls of wisdom to ourselves and choosing a behavior that aligns with these phrases. Here are phrases I find particularly helpful for me.

For control: "So it was"

This is from Kurt Vonnegut's book Slaughterhouse Five, which I have admittedly never read. But there's something important about accepting what we can't control, in Vonnegut's case it was death, in ours, it's often jealousy, our pals' decisions, or our metas. Self-differentiation, the ability to recognize the delineation of autonomy, often brings up feelings of control. It takes a lot of maturity to recognize that other people are in full control of themselves, and we, unfortunately, can't change the way they are. Self-differentiation is initially painful, and many of us don't know what to do with big feelings except dig deeper into our desires to exert control, which ultimately is unhelpful. So often we want to make jealousy disappear and feel helpless when it doesn't, we get mad at our metas for "causing" problems in our relationships, or we get frustrated when our pals don't behave how we want. We can all get swept up in our self-righteous anger, I know I certainly do, again most of it is driven by a fear of losing control. But at the end of the day, what we MUST accept is that jealousy, our pal's decisions, and our metas are out of our control and no amount of anger will change that. The best thing we can do is accept what we can't control. So it was. When I get mad because I can't get other people to do what I think they should, I just look at the situation, breathe fucking deep, and let go, "so it was."

For jealousy: "Chill the fuck out"

I don't know about you, but my jealousy can be spicy as fuck. I get sweaty, my heart races, sometimes my stomach hurts, I get angry and uncomfortable, or sad and self-pitying. It SUCKS. But I inevitably get exhausted. It's hard to maintain a high level of activation, it takes a lot of energy. And that's comforting. At some point, no matter what I do, I will get too tired to. continue feeling like shit. There's an awesome lesson in there, time will resolve your spicy feelings. When I'm in the worst, completely out-of-control jealousy episodes, I remind myself that no matter what, it WILL go away. My mantra is simple, "chill the fuck out." I don't need to do anything but wait, in fact, I should do nothing other than wait. When I try to solve my jealousy, by talking it out while I'm already activated, or changing agreements, or worst case lashing out at my pals, everything gets so much worse. NO. Don't do anything. Chill the fuck out. Watch a movie, eat or drink something cold, take a shower or an ice bath, go on a walk, for fucks sake do literally anything but focus on the discomfort. CHILL out can be interpreted literally. Cold might not solve all your problems, but it will change your physiological response. Remember, jealousy is only destructive when you act on it. The less you give it power, the quicker it will go away. There's no magic cure, just chilling.

For decision-making: "One thing at a time, not everything at once"

When faced with change, lots of us want to address everything at once, instead of focusing on one step at a time. I often hear new couples trying to alter their entire lives to become polyam overnight rather than slowly fitting polyamory into existing conditions. Further, when partners meet someone new, it's easy to catastrophize and want to make rock-solid plans to prevent fallout. I constantly remind folks to slow down. You can't fix everything at once. There's no point in trying to fix issues that haven't come up yet (although we'll talk about problem seeking during Office Hours another time). Look at one single step. What's the smallest, easiest, thing you can do right now? Get a book, put an Office Hour on the calendar, have a friend date, practice self-care tonight, write a journal entry. Successful polyamory is about constantly breaking down large overwhelming problems into bite-sized actions. You might not be able to resolve all your jealousy immediately, but you can probably do one thing to make yourself feel a little better. Remember, when you're trying to do too much, just ground yourself back to "one thing at a time."

For getting unstuck: "Pleasure is the path forward"

The ability to find pleasure in any situation is your secret weapon for succeeding in polyamory. Check out Pleasure Activism. Basically, lots of situations will arise in ethical non-monogamy that you won't like, but your ability to find things that you DO enjoy within the context will allow you to keep moving rather than getting stuck. Many folks focus on what their pals are doing wrong, and how much they dislike or disagree with their metas, rather than realizing they have the power to make themselves feel good regardless of what's happening around them. Finding pleasure means you're letting go of your desire to control your pals and instead centering yourself around your ability to bring yourself joy. When you feel frustrated that other people aren't behaving in the ways you'd like, just remember that you have the power and autonomy to take a time out, do something you really enjoy, ground yourself, and come back fresh.

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