Structures

• Ethical non-monogamy (ENM): Ethical non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy is the umbrella term for all forms of structures that oppose the single-lover long-term committed relationship script. Under the ENM umbrella falls different structures. ENM requires the informed consent and agreement of everyone involved.
• Polyamory (polyam): simply means “many love”. This term is used to describe folks who have more than one sexual or romantic relationships over a period of time. Polyam is characterized by wanting to sustain multiple relationships. Polyam can be used to describe any connection, because love is valid in aromantic or asexual relationships too.
• Consensual Alternative Relationship Structures (CARS): refers to hybrid relationship structures. We know that sexuality and gender are fluid... well so are relationship structures! CARS describes all other forms of relationships in which folks have agreements with their pals that go beyond the relationship scripts of compulsory monogamy. CARS describes a variety of mashup relationship structure that works best for individuals and their polycule.
• Deliberate exclusivity: folks go through periods where they close a relationship with a partner. Many worry that this shift means they’re no longer polyamorous but that’s not quite right. Deliberate exclusivity describes the certain facet of the relationship that are permanently or temporarily reserved for one person. For example, this can describe situations where a person might have another intimate or platonic pal but be sexually or romantically exclusive with another.
• Monogamy: Probably the most commonly understood relationship structure (we'll get to compmono). It describes couples who are both monosexual, sexually exclusive with a single partner, and monoamorous, in love with a single partner. Monogamy usually pertains to long-term committed relationships.
• Serial Monogamy: folks who prefer to commit to one person at a time but have multiple consecutive partners over the course of their lives. While there tends to be contempt for this dating style, certain people choose to deliberately practice serial monogamy.
• Monogamish: Coined by Dan Savage, this describes relationships that are monogamous (monoamorous & monosexual) but allow for certain periods of sexual non-exclusivity. This works well for long-term committed couples who occasionally want to play with others without necessarily maintaining those relationships.
• Poly-fidelity: describes more than two people engaged in a closed relationship with each other. Examples are closed quads, triads, Vees, etc. New pals are not introduced into the polycule. Existing folks are generally polyamorous and polysexual within the established polycule.
• Poly-intimates: Couples who are sexually exclusive but have other emotionally intimate or platonic partnerships that share importance and resource. Many asexual and aromantic folks practice a variation of this structure which allows multiple emotionally non-exclusive relationships.
• Swinging: Couples who play together with others. This can involve arrangements like swapping partners with another couple, participating in group sex, or having threesomes. The focus is on sexual experiences rather than maintaining multiple relationships.
• Open Relationships: Similar to hierarchical polyam, open relationships tend to involve a primary couple who opened their relationship to allow other sexual or intimate partnerships, though the level of emotional involvement tends to be more limited. Typically this arrangement describes couples who only have casual relationships outside of the primary.
• Mono-Polyam: Configurations where one partner is polyamorous and the other is monogamous. Folks will need to define further arrangements to address the asymmetrical relationship orientations. Vees, casual dating, or other agreements like poly-fidelity or monogamish arrangements can make this work.
• Solo-Polyam: Solo-polyam refers to folks who see themselves as their primary partners, want to maintain casual relationships, or prefer being single as their default dating state. Solo-polyam folks place their individuality above the demands of other relationships.
• Hierarchical vs. Non-hierarchical Polyam: certain couples choose to have hierarchies in their polycule, distinguishing who has the most time/ resources/ and at times decision making power. Hierarchical polyam can lead to lots of ethical issues if done prescriptively. Non-hierarchical polyam means all people have equal decision making power and are able to decide democratically on time and resource allocation.
• Relationship Anarchy: The word “anarchos” simply means “without a ruler”. Relationship anarchy means practicing consensual alternative relationships that prioritize individual agency and responsibility. RA is a philosophy more than structure that seeks to abolish the hierarchy of importance that place romantic partnerships above all else.

People

• Pals: people in any type of relationship that are sexual, romantic, intimate, and/ or meaningful. Pals doesn’t define a specific type of relationship. Pals doesn’t specify gender. Pals doesn’t define the nature of the physical/sexual/intimate relationship, because we all engage in that differently. Pals feels natural as a plural, normalizing those of us with multiple relationships.
• Metamours (Metas): efers to your pals’ other pals that aren’t also your pals.
• Anchor Partner / Nesting Partner: refers to couples who live together or share other significant resources (like child rearing responsibilities). Anchor partners are not necessarily primaries, but they tend to be the more stable, on-going relationship.
• Primary / Secondary: These terms can be used to describe the amount of commitment one has to a certain relationship. For example newer relationships may be more secondary in the beginning when pals are still getting to know each other and the relationship is more casual with less responsibility and expectations. Primary relationships usually refer to relationships with more serious and long-term commitments like sharing children, housing, financial or domestic responsibilities etc. This doesn’t necessarily mean primaries is more important, but they are usually allocated more resources.
• Polycule: the group that includes your network of pals and metas. Polycules can be closed or open, involving any amount of people. The only membership requirement for a polycule is that you are willingly participating in relationships with one or more of the members therein and want to provide collectively.

Emotions

• Compersion: the feeling of happiness for your pals' happiness. Compersion is usually sought when trying to enhance metamour relationships or reduce jealousy.
• Established Harmony / Equilibrium: describes the conditions when a polycule feels balanced and functional. Pals have functional BAES, communication, and schedules. This usually accompanies poly-saturation. No new pals are usually introduced during that time period.
• Jealousy: A cluster of emotions including fear, anger, sadness that occur when faced with difficult circumstances. I break down jealousy into two main categories: creative and need-based. Creative jealousy refers to insecurities that pop up in relationships and makes us doubt ourselves or the security of attachment. Need-based jealousy arises when a pal is unable or unwilling to meet our specific needs leading us to feel de-prioritized or otherwise spicy.
• Spicy Emotions: I like to use this term to describe the difficult feelings that accompany non-monogamy. They are feelings of discomfort or hurt that pals did not deliberately cause, but resulted from a specific situation. I like using this term because it removes judgement and blame often attached with jealousy.
• BAES: Boundaries, Agreements, Expectations, Support. The framework I use for defining relationships and resolving conflict. You can learn more here.
• New Relationship Energy (NRE): The intense good crush feelings that occur at the start of a relationship. This is sometimes referred to as the "honeymoon" stage. NRE can be intoxicating but also lead to complications in established relationships or upset the harmony.
• Polysaturation/ Over & Under Saturation: saturation refers to the ratio of partners to energy-levels of a polycule. When someone is experiencing poly-saturation, they have the right amount of pals and are not looking to introduce new ones. Over-saturation refers to the conditions of having more pals than time and energy. Whereas under means that there are not enough pals to correspond with needs.
• Attachment styles: (Secure, Preoccupied, Dismissive, Fearful) describes the level of security someone feels in a relationship as well as the methods in which they go about communicating and getting their needs met. Secure attachments mean that people feel able to voice their pals what they want and trust them to meet their needs most of the time (obviously not all the time). Attachment theory is vastly interesting and nuanced, read Polysecure for more.
• Love Languages: - (Physical touch, Words of affirmation, Acts of service, Gift giving, Quality time) our preferred way(s) of receiving love from our pals. This is important to understand when providing support to pals!

Ethics

• Compulsory monogamy (compmono): There is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding you want to exclusively be with one person as long as that decision is deliberate and everyone agrees to the boundaries and expectations of the relationship (like any other structure). The problem exists with the word COMPULSORY. Suddenly we are talking about a societal-level ideology that places long-term, romantic, heterosexual, patriarchal, monogamous coupling as the central focus of our relationships. This negates the fact that many people feel more comfortable having “primary” relationships that aren’t romantic, that aren’t long-term, that aren’t exclusive, that don’t have to be domestic, that can’t or won’t be sexual. Realizing that there’s no type of relationship that is more valid than the rest is vital if we want to give everyone the chance to have authentic connections.
• Lifestyle vs Orientation: Certain people consider their relationship structures more of an orientation, something that feels intrinsically part of them or determines how they best connect with folks, while other people see their relationship structure as a lifestyle choice, dependent on the specific context and pals. There's not a right or wrong way to think about relationship structures, however be mindful that these considerations can impact the way you practice and might differ from your pals.
• One Penis Policy (OPP): when a (usually) cishet man only allows his female partner to sleep with other women. This is unethical and seeped in misogyny and queer discrimination. Genital policies on the whole are bad news, but OPPs specifically have a long history and reinforce patriarchal values
• Veto power: refers to couples who have agreements that they can terminate their pal's other relationship if they don't like them or if it threatens the established one. This is unethical practices since, you do not get to control relationships that you are not part of.
• Couple Privilege: the set of benefits that monogamous couples are awarded from the dominant culture. It also refers to the practice of primaries limiting or restricting secondary relationships in order to preserve the established hierarchy. This is generally considered unethical behavior as it holds power OVER the secondaries.
• Prescriptive vs. Descriptive Hierarchy: Franklin Veaux elaborates on this distinction in More Than Two. Basically, prescriptive hierarchies are a manifestation of couple privilege and aim to fit new relationships into predetermined boxes as well as placing limitations of secondary pals. This is not great practice. By contrast, descriptive hierarchies simply alludes to resource allocation. A primary partner would be primary because they share more time/energy/responsibility/material goods/etc. without necessarily having more decision making power or being able to manipulate the secondary partners.
• Don't Ask, Don't Tell: refers to a relationship agreement where couples only share minimal information (usually about testing and safer sex practices) about other relationships. This. can work if it is done deliberately, but should be a watch-out if it is used to skirt communication responsibility.
• Unicorn Hunting: the practice of straight-passing couples (one cishet man and a bisexual woman) looking for another bisexual woman to have a threesome to fulfill their established fantasy. This practice is often unethical because many couples do not take into consideration the needs and desires of the other person. They simply use the "unicorn" as a prop in their sexual relationship. It's important for couples interested in engaging in threesomes or group sex to learn skills to navigate without objectifying or fetishizing the other person.
• Cheating: Yes, cheating does occur in non-monogamy. Anytime a partner steps outside of the non-monogamous agreement, hides or withholds information from their pal with the intention of manipulating or deceiving them, or participates in behavior that is unethical behind their back, this is considered cheating. Cheating describes the breach of trust rather than participating in a specific sexual act.
• Cowperson: a monogamous person who is dating someone polyam with the intention of breaking up their other relationships in order to become the only pal. This is not ethical behavior. If you're monogamous and want to be monogamous, this is something to negotiate with your pals rather than trying to coerce them into a different relationship structure.
• Relationship Escalator: the compulsory monogamy model of escalation. Basically you start dating, then spend more and more time together, move in, get married, have kids, get a dog, and live happily ever after. This model may work for certain folks but it certainly isn't the only way to create security or importance in a relationship. Many ENM folks feel alienated by this model since they cannot replicate it with all of their pals at once and often wouldn't want to regardless.

Safer Sexxx

• Consent: is the informed decision and mutual desire to participate in a given activity. Consent is usually applied to sex but it also is valid for any form of touch and emotional intimacy. It's good to ask for consent before launching into difficult conversations with pals rather than assuming they are in a place to do that. Without consent people are not able to make. decisions on what they want feel able to manage. There are two main types of consent: EVC (explicit verbal consent) asking something directly to your pal, and NVC (non verbal consent) picking up on body language to gauge your pals comfort before proceeding.
• Fluid Bonding: When a couple does not use sexual barriers with each other but uses them with everyone else. These agreements must be maintained in order for them to be effective STI prevention methods. You cannot be fluid bonded if you occasionally have unprotected sex with others, don't get tested, or generally neglect safer sex practices.
• Outercourse: a safer sex practice that do not involve genital contact, penetration, or fluid sharing. This can be a good option for folks with multiple casual partners. It includes mutual masturbation, skin touching, toys (that you don't share!!), sexting or phone sex, role play and other non-sexual BDSM.
• Disclosure: the practice of talking to your pals about STI status, safer sex practices, and other pals/ sexually relevant information. This practice ensures that everyone is taking appropriate precautions and is fully informed. It is not uncommon (or weird) to ask for actual testing documentation, especially if you're meeting with new folks. This absolutely does not mean that you can't or shouldn't hook up with folks with STIs. On the contrary! Disclosure allows you to play safely with all pals in ways that support everyone's health.
• Trigger Plans: Four questions that everyone answers: What does it look like when you're triggered? What do you need when you're triggered? What can your pal do to support you? How will you reconnect?
• Scene negotiations: discussion before sex or physical intimacy defining boundaries and agreements for that interaction. Discuss: likes/ dislikes, triggers, barrier-use and safe sex protocols, how you want to end the interaction, anything else. This allows everyone to feel safe playing

Made Up Words

Just a collection of random words I made up when it made sense or that other folks have shared with me!

• Polyfambam: how I describe the familial structure that often arise in queer polycules and take on the role of chosen family.
• Casual Infatuationship: When pals are deep into the NRE but intent on keeping things casual cause it seems easier than going through the process of defining the relationship with everyone.
• Long Distance Booty Call: I think this is a lesbian thing, but it's the person you're willing to cross state lines at 1am to fuck
• Ambiguous Attraction: You're not quite sure if you're into each other or if you're just stoked to have found another person who is actually queer and polyam too!
• Experimentouple: When pals try dating each other because it seems more convinient to have a cloused triad (or whatever) but everyone knows deep down it's probably just going to result in a shit show
• Singleasfuckish: When you're absolutely hell-bent on remaining single but somehow you alreas end up at the same person's house every night of the week. Still, you need to leave the door open
• Idekayionship: When you've hung out with a new person a bunch of times but you don't know if it's going anywhere or if they're into you or if you are for that matter.
• Petamours: Like a metamour, a petamour is your pal’s pets that aren’t also yours