Glossaries

Structures

• Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM): Ethical non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy is the umbrella term for all forms of structures that oppose the single-lover long-term committed relationship script. Under the ENM umbrella falls different structures. ENM requires the informed consent and agreement of everyone involved.
• Polyamory (Polyam): simply means “many love”. This term is used to describe folks who have more than one sexual or romantic relationships over a period of time. Polyam is characterized by wanting to sustain multiple relationships. Polyam can be used to describe any connection because love is valid in aromantic or asexual relationships too.
• Consensual Alternative Relationship Structures (CARS): refers to hybrid relationship structures. We know that sexuality and gender are fluid... well so are relationship structures! CARS describes all other forms of relationships in which folks have agreements with their pals that go beyond the relationship scripts of compulsory monogamy. CARS describes a variety of mashup relationship structure that works best for individuals and their polycule.
• Deliberate Exclusivity: folks go through periods where they close a relationship with a partner. Many worry that this shift means they’re no longer polyamorous but that’s not quite right. Deliberate exclusivity describes the certain facet of the relationship that are permanently or temporarily reserved for one person. For example, this can describe situations where a person might have another intimate or platonic pal but be sexually or romantically exclusive with another.
• Monogamy: Probably the most commonly understood relationship structure (we'll get to compmono). It describes couples who are both monosexual, sexually exclusive with a single partner, and monoamorous, in love with a single partner. Monogamy usually pertains to long-term committed relationships.
• Serial Monogamy: folks who prefer to commit to one person at a time but have multiple consecutive partners over the course of their lives. While there tends to be contempt for this dating style, certain people choose to deliberately practice serial monogamy.
• Monogamish: Coined by Dan Savage, this describes relationships that are monogamous (monoamorous & monosexual) but allow for certain periods of sexual non-exclusivity. This works well for long-term committed couples who occasionally want to play with others without necessarily maintaining those relationships.
• Poly-Fidelity: describes more than two people engaged in a closed relationship with each other. Examples are closed quads, triads, Vees, etc. New pals are not introduced into the polycule. Existing folks are generally polyamorous and polysexual within the established polycule.
• Poly-Intimates: Couples who are sexually exclusive but have other emotionally intimate or platonic partnerships that share importance and resource. Many asexual and aromantic folks practice a variation of this structure which allows multiple emotionally non-exclusive relationships.
• Swinging: Couples who play together with others. This can involve arrangements like swapping partners with another couple, participating in group sex, or having threesomes. The focus is on sexual experiences rather than maintaining multiple relationships.
• Open Relationships: Similar to hierarchical polyam, open relationships tend to involve a primary couple who opened their relationship to allow other sexual or intimate partnerships, though the level of emotional involvement tends to be more limited. Typically this arrangement describes couples who only have casual relationships outside of the primary.
• Mono-Polyam: Configurations where one partner is polyamorous and the other is monogamous. Folks will need to define further arrangements to address the asymmetrical relationship orientations. Vees, casual dating, or other agreements like poly-fidelity or monogamish arrangements can make this work.
• Solo-Polyam: Solo-polyam refers to folks who see themselves as their primary partners, want to maintain casual relationships, or prefer being single as their default dating state. Solo-polyam folks place their individuality above the demands of other relationships.
• Hierarchical vs. Non-Hierarchical Polyam: certain couples choose to have hierarchies in their polycule, distinguishing who has the most time/ resources/ and at times decision-making power. Hierarchical polyam can lead to lots of ethical issues if done prescriptively. Non-hierarchical polyam means all people have equal decision-making power and are able to decide democratically on time and resource allocation.
• Relationship Anarchy: The word “anarchos” simply means “without a ruler”. Relationship anarchy means practicing consensual alternative relationships that prioritize individual agency and responsibility. RA is a philosophy more than a structure that seeks to abolish the hierarchy of importance that place romantic partnerships above all else.

People

• Pals: people in any type of relationship that are sexual, romantic, intimate, and/ or meaningful. Pals don't define a specific type of relationship. Pals don’t specify gender. Pals don’t define the nature of the physical/sexual/intimate relationship, because we all engage in that differently. Pals feel natural as a plural, normalizing those of us with multiple relationships.
• Metamours (Metas): refers to your pals’ other pals that aren’t also your pals.
• Anchor Partner / Nesting Partner: refers to couples who live together or share other significant resources (like child-rearing responsibilities). Anchor partners are not necessarily primaries, but they tend to be the more stable, ongoing relationship.
• Primary / Secondary: These terms can be used to describe the amount of commitment one has to a certain relationship. For example, newer relationships may be more secondary in the beginning when pals are still getting to know each other and the relationship is more casual with less responsibility and expectations. Primary relationships usually refer to relationships with more serious and long-term commitments like sharing children, housing, financial or domestic responsibilities, etc. This doesn’t necessarily mean primaries are more important, but they are usually allocated more resources.
• Polycule: the group that includes your network of pals and metas. Polycules can be closed or open, involving any amount of people. The only membership requirement for a polycule is that you are willingly participating in relationships with one or more of the members therein and want to provide collectively.

Emotions

• Compersion: the feeling of happiness for your pals' happiness. Compersion is usually sought when trying to enhance metamour relationships or reduce jealousy.
• Established Harmony / Equilibrium: describes the conditions when a polycule feels balanced and functional. Pals have functional BAES, communication, and schedules. This usually accompanies poly-saturation. No new pals are usually introduced during that time period.
• Jealousy: A cluster of emotions including fear, anger, and sadness that occur when faced with difficult circumstances. I break down jealousy into two main categories: creative and need-based. Creative jealousy refers to insecurities that pop up in relationships and makes us doubt ourselves or the security of attachment. Need-based jealousy arises when a pal is unable or unwilling to meet our specific needs leading us to feel de-prioritized or otherwise spicy.
• Spicy Emotions: I like to use this term to describe the difficult feelings that accompany non-monogamy. They are feelings of discomfort or hurt that pals did not deliberately cause, but resulted from a specific situation. I like using this term because it removes judgment and blame often attached to jealousy.
• BAES: Boundaries, Agreements, Expectations, Support. The framework I use for defining relationships and resolving conflict. You can learn more here.
• New Relationship Energy (NRE): The intense good crush feelings that occur at the start of a relationship. This is sometimes referred to as the "honeymoon" stage. NRE can be intoxicating but also lead to complications in established relationships or upset the harmony.
• Polysaturation/ Over & Under Saturation: saturation refers to the ratio of partners to energy levels of a polycule. When someone is experiencing poly-saturation, they have the right amount of pals and are not looking to introduce new ones. Over-saturation refers to the conditions of having more pals than time and energy. Whereas under means that there are not enough pals to correspond with needs.
• Attachment Styles: (Secure, Preoccupied, Dismissive, Fearful) describes the level of security someone feels in a relationship as well as the methods in which they go about communicating and getting their needs met. Secure attachments mean that people feel able to voice to their pals what they want and trust them to meet their needs most of the time (obviously not all the time). Attachment theory is vastly interesting and nuanced, read Polysecure for more.
• Love Languages: - (Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, Quality Time) our preferred way(s) of receiving love from our pals. This is important to understand when providing support to pals!

Ethics

• Compulsory Monogamy (Compmono): There is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding you want to exclusively be with one person as long as that decision is deliberate and everyone agrees to the boundaries and expectations of the relationship (like any other structure). The problem exists with the word COMPULSORY. Suddenly we are talking about a societal-level ideology that places long-term, romantic, heterosexual, patriarchal, monogamous coupling as the central focus of our relationships. This negates the fact that many people feel more comfortable having “primary” relationships that aren’t romantic, that aren’t long-term, that aren’t exclusive, that don’t have to be domestic, that can’t or won’t be sexual. Realizing that there’s no type of relationship that is more valid than the rest is vital if we want to give everyone the chance to have authentic connections.
• Lifestyle vs Orientation: Certain people consider their relationship structures more of an orientation, something that feels intrinsically part of them or determines how they best connect with folks, while other people see their relationship structure as a lifestyle choice, dependent on the specific context and pals. There's not a right or wrong way to think about relationship structures, however, be mindful that these considerations can impact the way you practice and might differ from your pals.
• One Penis Policy (OPP): when a (usually) cishet man only allows his female partner to sleep with other women. This is unethical and seeped into misogyny and queer discrimination. Genital policies, in the whole are bad news, but OPPs specifically have a long history and reinforce patriarchal values.
• Veto Power: refers to couples who have agreements that they can terminate their pal's other relationship if they don't like them or if it threatens the established one. This is an unethical practice since, you do not get to control relationships that you are not part of.
• Couple Privilege: the set of benefits that monogamous couples are awarded from the dominant culture. It also refers to the practice of primaries limiting or restricting secondary relationships in order to preserve the established hierarchy. This is generally considered unethical behavior as it holds power OVER the secondaries.
• Prescriptive vs. Descriptive Hierarchy: Franklin Veaux elaborates on this distinction in More Than Two. Basically, prescriptive hierarchies are a manifestation of couple privilege and aim to fit new relationships into predetermined boxes as well as placing limitations of secondary pals. This is not great practice. By contrast, descriptive hierarchies simply alludes to resource allocation. A primary partner would be primary because they share more time/energy/responsibility/material goods/etc. without necessarily having more decision-making power or being able to manipulate the secondary partners.
• Don't Ask, Don't Tell: refers to a relationship agreement where couples only share minimal information (usually about testing and safer sex practices) about other relationships. This. can work if it is done deliberately, but should be a watch-out if it is used to skirt communication responsibility.
• Unicorn Hunting: the practice of straight-passing couples (one cishet man and a bisexual woman) looking for another bisexual woman to have a threesome to fulfill their established fantasy. This practice is often unethical because many couples do not take into consideration the needs and desires of the other person. They simply use the "unicorn" as a prop in their sexual relationship. It's important for couples interested in engaging in threesomes or group sex to learn skills to navigate without objectifying or fetishizing the other person.
• Cheating: Yes, cheating does occur in non-monogamy. Anytime a partner steps outside of the non-monogamous agreement, hides or withholds information from their pal with the intention of manipulating or deceiving them, or participates in behavior that is unethical behind their back, this is considered cheating. Cheating describes the breach of trust rather than participating in a specific sexual act.
• Cowperson: a monogamous person who is dating someone polyam with the intention of breaking up their other relationships in order to become the only pal. This is not ethical behavior. If you're monogamous and want to be monogamous, this is something to negotiate with your pals rather than trying to coerce them into a different relationship structure.
• Relationship Escalator: the compulsory monogamy model of escalation. Basically,you start dating, then spend more and more time together, move in, get married, have kids, get a dog, and live happily ever after. This model may work for certain folks but it certainly isn't the only way to create security or importance in a relationship. Many ENM folks feel alienated by this model since they cannot replicate it with all of their pals at once and often wouldn't want to regardless.

Made Up Words

Just a collection of random words I made up when it made sense or that other folks have shared with me!

• Polyfambam: how I describe the familial structure that often arisesin queer polycules and takes n the role of chosen family.
• Casual Infatuationship: When pals are deep into the NRE but intent on keeping things casual cause it seems easier than going through the process of defining the relationship with everyone.
• Long Distance Booty Call: I think this is a lesbian thing, but it's the person you're willing to cross state lines at 1 AM to fuck.
• Ambiguous Attraction: You're not quite sure if you're into each other or if you're just stoked to have found another person who is actually queer and polyam too!
• Experimentouple: When pals try dating each other because it seems more convenient to have a closed triad (or whatever) but everyone knows deep down it's probably just going to result in a shit show.
• Singleasfuckish: When you're absolutely hell-bent on remaining single but somehow you always end up at the same person's house every night of the week. Still, you need to leave the door open.
• Idekayionship: When you've hung out with a new person a bunch of times but you don't know if it's going anywhere or if they're into you or if you are for that matter.
• Petamours: Like a metamour, a petamour is your pal’s pets that aren’t also yours.

Sexual Orientation

• Sexual Orientation: sexual orientation denotes the gender of people to which you’re mainly attracted to (like heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, etc.) Sexual orientation is an identity and a way of interacting with the world, it's not a sexual practice. Therefore you can still be gay for example even if you haven’t had sex or been in a relationship yet.
• LGBTQIAA+: stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer (or sometimes questioning), Intersex, Asexual, Ally (this might not be an identity but more on that later), and the + is commonly added to signify everyone else.
• Heterosexual / Straight: being heterosexual is a sexual orientation that means you are mainly attracted to the opposite gender. Straight is a synonym for being heterosexual.
• Homosexual / Gay / Lesbian: being homosexual means you are mainly attracted to the same gender. The word gay is usually used to describe men who are attracted to men while lesbian is used to describe women who are attracted to women. Although some women prefer the word gay to lesbian and that's totally ok! Remember that it's better to let people choose what words they feel comfortable in describing their identities.
• Bisexual: someone who is attracted to more than one gender, this includes non-binary genders.
• Pansexual / Omnisexual: means you're sexually attracted to all people regardless of sex or gender. There's a lot of confusion around using bi vs pan vs omni and I don't have an answer here, except that you should use the word that resonates the most with you. Remember that all of these words are just descriptors for your experience.
• Queer: by definition means abnormal. This word has a lot to unpack: Historically the word queer has been used a slur and therefore holds trauma for the community. However, many people feel that reclaiming it as an identity is a powerful act of rebellion. This word resonates with me.
• Demisexual: means you're sexually attracted only to people with whom you have a strong emotional bond. Demisexuality is on the spectrum of asexuality because you tend to experience sexual attraction less frequently.
• Grey asexual (Grey-A): simply means you find yourself on the spectrum between sexuality and asexuality. Demisexual can be classified as a form of grey asexuality.
• Asexual: is when you do not feel sexual attraction to anyone. This is different from having genophobia (which means you're scared of sex). If you're asexual you aren’t afraid of sex but rather just don’t feel sexual attraction. Read Ace by Angela Chen if you're interested in learning more.
• Casual Sex: means that you enjoy engaging in sexual relationships without serious emotional attachment.
• Single By Choice: if you decide that relationships aren’t for you that’s ok! There are lots of people who dislike the idea of compulsory coupling and deciding to have primary relationships with themselves. You can decide to do some dating while remaining mostly uncommitted or to be celibate.
• Celibacy: means you choose not to engage in sexual acts.
• Closeted & Coming Out: being "in the closet" means that you don’t or are unable to share your LGBTQIA+ identity. Coming out is the process of accepting and letting others know you are a member of the community. Coming out is a private and personal decision! You should never "out" someone without their consent.
• Compulsory Heterosexuality: the false idea that everyone must be in heterosexual relationships. This term was originally coined by Adrienne Rich. You might be questioned and punished for failing to be in straight, committed relationships. Compulsory heterosexuality reinforces homophobia and transphobia.

Gender

• Gender Identity vs. Gender Expression: Gender identity is the way you consider yourself, this doesn’t correspond to your sexual anatomy but rather to your sense of self. A gender identity can include (but is not limited to) being cisgender, transgender, gender non-binary, gender fluid, agender, etc. Gender expression on the other hand refers to the way you present yourself to society. This is often your style and dress. This includes presenting yourself as feminine, masculine, androgynous, etc. Gender identity may influence your gender expression but it doesn’t necessarily have to align.
• **Biological Sex vs. Assigned gender at birth (AMAB / AFAB): ** Biological sex refers to your sexual anatomy: being a penis-owner, a vulva-owner, or intersex. The gender you are assigned at birth normally coincides with a baby’s genitals. You should, however, always respect a person’s chosen gender identity rather than the gender that was assigned at birth.
• Vulva-Owners / Penis-Owners vs. Female / Male: what’s in your pants does not indicate your gender. Therefore when discussing anatomy I use the term vulva-owner instead of female to respect people's different gender identities. It’s important to remember that some women have penises, some womxn have vulvas, and some women have both. Just like some vulva-owners are men. What’s in your pants doesn’t determine the legitimacy of your womanhood and I respect that.
• Femme / Butch / Masc / Androgynous: these are all gender expressions that describe how you present. Femme means that you present in a typically feminine way, while masc means you present in a masculine way. The term butch is used by some and found derogatory by others so I refrain from using it unless that’s how someone specifically asks to be described. Androgynous means you fit neither binary presentations. Gender expressions are not set in stone, and many people have fluid gender expressions!
• MOC: Means Masculine of Center and is usually used in the lesbian community to describe a gender expression that is slightly more masculine.
• Cisgender: when you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth. Vulva-owners who identify as women and penis-owners who identify as men are cisgender.
• Gender Non-Conforming (GNC) / Non-Binary / Enby: when you don’t identify as either just male or female. Gender non-binary can mean you reject the binary entirely, you identify as both, or you identify as some of each. Enby is a way to shorten non-binary without using the acronym NB which refers to “Non-Black.”
• Transgender / Trans: when you determine that your gender does not match your sex assigned at birth. This is an umbrella term that also applies if you identify outside of the binary and have no or multiple genders.
• Agender: can either be a non-binary gender or actually an identity of not having a gender at all.
• Pronouns: simply put are the words you use to refer to someone in the third person. It’s important to respect people’s choice of pronouns. Examples are she/her, he/him, they/them. When you meet someone for the first time you should ask for their pronouns as well as offer yours. Like "hey, my name is Sam, I use she/her pronouns, what about you?"

Social Constructs

• Feminism: at its core feminism is advocacy for women’s rights in the fight for gender equality. It also encompasses a range of ideologies, politics, activism, and social movements around gender equality. If you're a feminist you’re joining a movement to help remove the patriarchal system under which many identities are suppressed to benefit a few.
• Sex+ / Sex-Positive: the sex-positive movement is simply about promoting everyone's individual ability to decide how they approach their sexuality and sexual expression. Being sex-positive means that you promote people’s choice to have (or not to have) safe consensual sex. It also means that you care about body autonomy, meaning that people have a right to decide what they do with their bodies.
• Body Positivity: means that you accept your body and others’ bodies. And you believe that everyone should have the right to look and feel beautiful regardless of what their bodies look like.
• YT Feminism vs. Intersectional Feminism: feminist movements have traditionally only focused on the needs of white women. This attitude still persists today and is contradictory to the fundamental beliefs of feminism that all genders deserve equality. Intersectional feminism, coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw, by contrast, aims to address the specific ways in which people’s different identities (race, gender, sexual orientation, class, etc) shape the needs of the movement.
• Patriarchy: a social structure in which men hold power over women. The patriarchy can hurt you if you are a womxn, a man, or GNC. It’s a system in which toxic masculinity is enforced to the detriment of men and in which womxn do not have the same opportunity for equality. Read Down Girl by Kate Mann for more information.
• Privilege: a set of benefits that are unearned and systemically given to certain groups at the expense of others. Being white, male, cisgender, heterosexual, middle-class, able-bodied, and thin are all examples of privilege. It’s important to recognize, and address privilege instead of maintaining a sense of superiority over others. In my case, I am a white, cisgender, able-bodied, thin, middle-class, naturalized immigrant. These are all ways that my identity unfairly benefits me. I need to constantly be checking my privileges and I'll talk about this more!
• Toxic Masculinity: does not suppose that all men are violent but rather that they are socialized in a rigid society that allows them to hold positions of power that excuse toxic behavior patterns. Talking about toxic masculinity is crucial to addressing gender inequality. It’s helpful to think about toxic masculinity as a bad habit. When you pick up a bad habit, it’s usually the product of watching someone else do this bad behavior. Even if you have this bad habit it doesn’t make you a bad person (or all the people who have this bad habit) but it is still very important to correct the bad habit… especially if this bad habit is hurting other people.
• Men™ vs. Men: Men™ is a stylization I use to denote toxic masculinity. It emphasizes the system of oppression that favors cishet males without discriminating against individuals who happen to be men and are actively addressing their privilege.
• Heteronormativity: Heteronormativity is the toxic belief that heterosexuality is the “normal” or default sexual orientation. This is harmful to the LGBTQIA+ community. You can be heterosexual while rejecting heteronormativity! This also informs many of the ways we interact with our sexualities, and some of the harmful myths and practices.
• Gender Normative: stereotypical behaviors or attitudes that conform to the gender binary. Just because you identify within the gender binary doesn’t mean that you need to conform to gender norms, however.
• CisHet vs. Cisgender/Heterosexual: Cishet is a stylization I use to denote toxic transphobic & heteronormative attitudes and behavior. It emphasizes the system of oppression that favors cisgender and heterosexual people without discriminating against individuals who happen to be cisgender and straight.
• White Supremacy: is the racist ideology that white is the superior race. It is a system of oppression that benefits whites at the expense of POC.
• Ableism: is the view that able-bodied people are superior to disabled people. This discrimination serves to isolate people with disabilities and make it harder to exist in able-bodied spaces or access appropriate help and resources.
• Fat Phobia / Sizeism: describes the fear and hatred of fat people. “Health” is put at odds with “obesity” to isolate fat people and by extension control the weight and bodies of all womxn
• Whore Phobia: describes the fear and hatred of sex workers. The “whore/slut” stigma is used as a tool to distance and isolate sex workers and by extension vilify and control all womxn.
• TERF/SWERF: TERF stands for Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist. SWERF stands for Sex Worker Exclusionary Radical Feminist. These are terms that emerged from third-wave feminism to call out non-intersectional feminists that focus mainly on cishet yt women’s needs. TERFs and SWERFs put transgender people and sex workers at risk through hatred and fear. Don’t be a TERF or SWERF.

Bodies & Anatomy

• Vulva vs. Vagina: People often get these two confused (that’s ok that’s why we’re here!) The vulva is the outside part of the genitals that includes the clitoris, labia, urethral opening, and also the vaginal opening! The vagina only refers to the canal that opens in the vulva and connects to the uterus and cervix. The vagina is where menstrual blood and babies pass to leave the body. This is also where a penis, fingers, toys, perhaps a zucchini (read how to do it safely before you try)) is inserted when people refer to penetrative sex.
• Labia Majora / Minora: Labia are the flaps of skin or "lips" on the vulva. The labia majora is located on the outside and covered in pubic hair. Inside is the labia minora which surrounds the vaginal opening. Labia come in all shapes (often asymmetrical), sizes (some big, some small, all awesome), and colors (from light pink to dark brown) and are unique to each vulva. Go look at The Vulva Gallery to see all the amazing differences! Remember that there isn’t one definition of “normal” and all vulva are beautiful.
• Clitoris: is the little (or big) knob located at the top of the labia. The tip is covered by the clitoral hood. The clit is the most sensitive part of the human body. Its purpose is to make you feel good. And yes, clits do get boners. You will notice that the clitoris will swell when you are aroused.
• Vaginal Lubrication / Wet: When a vulva-owner is physically aroused the vagina produces a lubricant to prepare for intercourse. Sometimes this occurs without arousal as the vagina naturally discharges. Using lubricants can be an alternative for vulvas that enjoy some extra slipperiness. Remember that penises also get wet before intercourse; we refer to that as "pre-ejaculate."
• Menstruation / Periods: the monthly discharge of blood, fluids, and tissue from the vagina. Menstruation begins during puberty and will end during menopause. We'll definitely talk more about periods, don't worry if you have questions! Remember that men and GNC folks with vaginas also menstruate not only women.
• Penis: The penis is composed of three major parts: the glans (or the head of the penis), the shaft (the tube part that grows when you have an erection), and the foreskin (the flesh that covers the head and is sometimes surgically removed). Penises vary in shape, size, curve, and sensitivity. No matter what your penis looks like it is unique to you and that’s awesome!
• Testicles: Are the two glands contained in the scrotum (they hang behind the penis) and produce sperm. They are very sensitive and can be incorporated into sexual acts.
• Semen vs. Sperm: Semen refers to the ejaculatory fluids of the penis. While the sperm refers to the reproductive cells that swim in the semen. Sperm is produced in the testicles and semen in the seminal vesicle.
• Erection / Boner: when the penis becomes enlarged and “hard" as blood flow increases. Less often talked about (though arguably more important 😂) the clitoris also gets an erection when it is aroused.
• Erectile Dysfunction: when the penis cannot get or remain hard. This can be caused by numerous factors including, lack of arousal, physical (check with your doctor), psychological (sometimes you might not be in the right head space but it’s ok), drugs/alcohol, prescription medicine, and more. If this is a persistent problem you should talk to a doctor.
• Circumcised / Intact vs. Uncut or Uncircumcised: circumcision refers to the surgical removal of the foreskin on the penis. Using the word intact instead of uncut or uncircumcised is more accurate since circumcision is not the default state of the penis. The word intact also helps to combat the stigma that occurs in parts of the world (like the US) where circumcision is more common.
• Intersex: a term that describes folks who have reproductive and/or sexual anatomy that falls outside of the assumed male/female binary. The term “intersex” refers to variations of genital configuration, chromosomes, and reproductive organs. Certain folks use intersex as a gender identity too, while others identify as men/women/non-binary/etc.

Sexxx Acts

• Sex vs. Penetration (Vaginal / Anal): Sex refers to all the acts that bring you sexual satisfaction. Penetration is when a penis, finger, toy, or object is inserted either into the vagina or the anus. Sex can (and often does) include penetration but is not limited to that.
• P-in-V Sex: refers to penis-in-vaginal sex. I use this to combat the stigma that other forms of sex acts don’t count as “real” sex (they do!) P-in-V sex is just one method of getting off.
• Foreplay: sensual acts that turn you on and get you aroused for sex. This can include kissing, touching, licking, sucking, rubbing, whatever feels good! This is an important part of having sex because it can give you time to establish consent, take off the pressure for you to be immediately hard and wet, and reduce pain.
• Oral Sex (Cunnilingus / Fellatio / Rimming): using your mouth to suck, lick, and stimulate your pal’s genitals. Cunnilingus refers to giving oral sex to someone who has a vulva. Fellatio refers to giving oral sex to someone with a penis. Rimming is using your mouth to stimulate the anus.
• Fingering / Hand-Job: when you use your fingers or hands to stimulate someone’s genitals.
• Orgasm: the climax of pleasure experienced in your genitals during sexual activity. I know, I know! That doesn’t really capture the feeling. I’ll be asking all of you to describe how orgasms feel in a little bit. If you haven’t reached orgasm yet, don’t worry about it, we’ll get there together.
• Cum / Ejaculating: refers to the ejaculate fluid, but is also used to say you’re about to have an orgasm. As in, “I’m going to cum.”
• Squirting / Female Ejaculation: when the Skene gland is stimulated and releases ejaculatory fluid out of the urethra (your pee hole). This is not pee! Don’t worry, it’s normal. Some vulva-owners squirt more easily than others. This is not necessary to reach orgasm.
• Pegging: is when a womxn uses a strap-on dildo to perform anal sex on a man. I bet the only reason most of you know that is Broad City!
• Kink & Fetishes: any sexual practice that falls outside of the “norm” can be considered a sexual kink (although sexologists would tell you there are certain conditions that need to be met, we'll talk about this!) When the sexual practice becomes central to your arousal cycle it is considered a fetish. These topics are very interesting because as we’re learning the spectrum of what “normal” sexual desire is vast and expansive. For example, feet have long been considered to be kinks or fetish but research finds that it is extremely common to be aroused by feet!
• BDSM: stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadomasochism. It encompasses a wide range of erotic play and interpersonal dynamics that fall outside of the “norm” (although as you will pretty soon realize what is normal is pretty broad!)
• Arousal vs. Desire: arousal refers to the physical mechanisms of being turned on (having an erection, being wet, etc.) while desire corresponds to the emotional and psychological components of being turned on or wanting sex. These can happen independently or (ideally) together.
• Arousal Nonconcordance: is when you're physical arousal and psychological desire don't match. Watch this excellent TED Talk from Emily Nagoski to learn more!
• Lube or Lubrication: is a product that you use to increase slipperiness when having sex. Lube can be composed of a variety of materials and be used for many different sex acts including masturbation, penetration, hand jobs, etc. Certain lubes contain spermicides which can act as a form of birth control.

Safer Sex

• Consent: is the informed decision and mutual desire to participate in a given sexual activity. Consent is the foundation for all sex acts. Without consent, any type of sex act is sexual violence period. This is something that must always be taken seriously.
• Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK): a term used in the BDSM community that permits potentially risky sexual activities as long as they are performed in a consensual manner. The philosophy holds that the participants are informed of the risk involved in the kinky sex act and all parties agree to continue. It is extremely important to set these sorts of boundaries when engaging in alternative sex to ensure everyone’s safety.
• Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC): a foundational principle in BDSM. It stipulates that all participants are aware of what they're doing, performing it in a safe manner, and agree to be participating. SSC is especially important when engaging in potentially risky alternative forms of sex but are great principles to inform any type of sexual activity.
• Birth Control: any method of preventing pregnancy. This includes condoms, vaginal condoms, pills, patches, injections, shots, IUDs, vasectomies, etc.
• Abortions: a method of terminating a pregnancy. There are many different ways you can get an abortion Planned Parenthood has some excellent resources to learn more.
• Pro-Choice vs. Pro-Abortion: being pro-choice means that you support rights to family planning and deciding IF and WHEN someone want to become pregnant. This includes the right to choose to abort their baby. Being pro-choice does not automatically mean that someone should choose to have an abortion, but rather that people should have bodily autonomy. Abortions are expensive, physically and emotionally difficult to go through, and are usually a last resort! There are many many reasons why people choose to get abortions (sometimes even if they want to have the baby!) No one should be shamed or prevented from getting the care they need. The idea that being pro-choice makes you a "baby killer" is horrible propaganda used to shame people.
• Late Term Abortion: is a propaganda term made mainstream in the Trump era. It is meant to imply that women who choose to have abortions are killing fully-formed babies that could live outside of the womb. This is 100% false. Only about 2% of abortions occur past 21 weeks and are almost entirely done when a woman needs to terminate her pregnancy for medical reasons or because the baby is stillborn. Passing legislation to prevent "late-term abortions" puts women at greater risk during pregnancy.
• STI vs. STD: STI stands for sexually transmitted infection and is generally preferred to STD which stands for sexually transmitted disease in an attempt to combat stigmatization. STIs are usually contracted through sexual activity and can be prevented by using condoms, dental dams, latex gloves, etc.
• Disclosure: refers to disclosing your STI status to your partner. If you are sexually active you need to be getting tested for STIs regularly to stay healthy. It's important to disclose your STI status to your new pals so they can make an informed decision (including which form of contraception is used) about having sex. Non-disclosure or false disclosure is sexual violence.

Sexual Violence

• Triggers: when you experience a traumatic event, there are certain parts of the event (or stimulus) that remain scarred in your brain. When you come across that same stimulus later, it can bring back the memory of trauma. Some memories are so bad that even the smallest recall can cause you to relive all the hurt. It’s important to be mindful when you’re communicating about certain topics that are difficult. I use trigger warnings (usually I call them content warnings) to warn you to stay away from certain topics that might be difficult for you to address.
• Sexual Violence: any sexual act that is committed without consent is sexual violence. I use the term “Sexual Violence" instead of Rape/Sexual-Assault/Abuse in many of my posts not euphemistically to diminish the experience but rather to respect survivors who might be triggered by certain language. If the word is present in an organization's name (for example RAINN), book, or quote, obviously I will use it as it appears!
• Rape vs. Sexual Assault: The big difference here is that rape refers to non-consensual penetration (whether vaginal, anal, or oral) and sexual assault refers to any unwanted and non-consensual touching. There is not one type of sexual violence that is “worse”, everyone reacts differently to trauma and it’s ok to process things at your own speed. You’re entitled to your feelings and no one gets to determine what your journey to recovery looks like. If you’re dealing with issues of sexual assault or rape please reach out for help at RAINN.org.
• Sexual Harassment: is any unwanted or non-consensual sexual remarks or advances. All forms of sexual harassment is sexual violence and should be taken seriously. You’re entitled to live in a world where you feel safe to exist free from harassment. If you’re dealing with issues of sexual harassment please reach out for help at RAINN.org.
• Victim-Blaming: when the victim of a crime (most often sexual violence) is blamed for having some responsibility for their abuse. One example is when sexual assault survivors are asked what they were wearing implying that their way of dressing somehow makes them complicit (it does not! This is utter bullshit!)
• Gaslighting: a form of emotional abuse where psychological manipulation is used to discredit and make someone question their own thoughts, feelings, and memories.
• Trauma: is the psychological damage that happens after a deeply distressing experience. The effects of trauma manifest slightly differently in different people and everyone’s road to recovery is different. You can take all the time you need to heal. If you are dealing with difficult issues please check out our resource page to find people who can help.
• Trauma-Informed Language: means using language that is mindful of other people’s trauma. Providing content warnings for potentially difficult subjects is a good way to respect people who are dealing with trauma.
• Date Rape / Acquaintance Rape: Sexual acts committed without consent by someone you know.
• Marital Rape / Spousal Rape: Sexual acts committed without consent within a marriage. Marital rape wasn’t recognized in all of the US until 1993. This is still a topic that isn’t talked about very much but is a serious form of abuse.
• Statutory Rape: Sexual acts committed with an underaged person who by definition cannot give consent.
• Grooming: is the process of approaching a minor and forming emotional connections with the purpose of coercing the minor into sexual activity.
• Stalking: a working understanding of stalking is any pattern of unwanted behavior that would lead you to be fearful. Stalking can happen in person or online (cyberstalking) and is a real and scary experience. If you’re dealing with issues of stalking please reach out for help at victimsofcrime.org.
• Revenge Porn: when sexually explicit photos or videos are posted online to “get back” at the person. This is 100% wrong and illegal.
• Unsolicited Dick Pics: when someone sends a picture of their genitals without receiving consent. This is a form of sexual violence and should be reported.