Coming Out As Queer
Coming out refers to the process of telling folks that you identify as LGBTQIA+. It can be challenging for a number of reasons. First, many of us have a hard time pinpointing why we feel “different” especially if we don’t have visible queers in our lives. It’s a huge step to come out to ourselves! Unfortunately, we may face backlash, lack of understanding, homophobia/transphobia from families, communities, and the dominant culture. Regardless, choosing to own your authentic experiences can be liberating.
Here are a few things you need to know before coming out!
Coming Out Vs. Letting In
Let’s start off with a reframe! The phrase “coming out” places the burden on queer folks to divulge their identities, and gives power to cishet people to accept or reject that disclosure. This is backward. End of the day, it’s not up to other people to affirm your queerness. You are who you are, and that’s not conditional on acceptance by the dominant culture. The phrase “letting in” flips the responsibility. Queer folks get to decide who they let in. Rather than an expectation of disclosure, there’s an expectation of acceptance. It’s a privilege to be let in. And being let in is conditional on allyship.
No one has the right to reject your identity
Finding The “PERFECT” Label
It can be stressful trying to find the identity that fits you perfectly. Understand that labels are linguistic shortcuts that simplify nuanced experiences. There’s no such thing as a “perfect” label. Your understanding of your identity is evolving, so is your pattern of attraction (aka sexual orientation) and experience of gender. It’s normal to adopt a label and realize later on that it doesn’t quite fit and needs to be changed or discarded. Your experiences don’t need to fit neatly into a box. Don’t worry so much about continuity. It’s ok to think you’re straight, come out as bisexual, realize you’re a lesbian, then feel constrained by labels and end up using the umbrella term queer! That’s been my journey 😊 Labels are tools to communicate. Use what fits with your current understanding and give yourself permission to revise if necessary.
Use labels that work for you right now, you can always change them!
Visibility
We all have different preferences and privileges when it comes to being visibly queer. For some people, being immediately recognized as gay and/or trans can jeopardize their safety, jobs, housing, family, etc. Other queers have the privilege of being relatively safe while “out and proud.” There’s a variety of external factors that impact whether or not you can disclose your queerness publicly. It’s ok if you can only tell a few close confidants, if you don’t want to fly a rainbow flag, if you can’t afford to be outspoken, etc. Regardless of your visibility, you’re still a valid member of the LGBTQIA+ community.
Queer visibility is not a requirement
Safety First
It is not your responsibility to come out to folks who will treat you unkindly or place your safety at risk. Absolutely no one is entitled to your disclosure. I know it can feel dehumanizing to hide your true self, but in reality, it’s still dangerous in many contexts and places to be queer. Your safety is the priority. Lie if you have to. Omit information if it will keep you safe. You don’t have to apologize for being an asshole, for leaving a situation, for going back into the closet, for doing anything if it’s a matter of survival. Period.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation
Finding Community
Being around other queer people has the power of affirming your identity and creating safe spaces for you to be yourself. While you might be at odds with the dominant culture, other queers understand what you’re going through and can empathize with your experience. Some of us lose our families of origin and/or communities when we come out. Finding queer community and chosen families can become your primary support system. It’s important to know that you aren’t alone, especially if you’re in a place where it isn’t safe for you to be out. Give yourself permission to seek out folks who will affirm your identity and who are safe.
You’re not alone
Gate Keeping
Not all community is created equal. Unfortunately, since queerness is still not normalized by the dominant culture, many folks in the LGBTQIA+ community feel guarded around their identities and spaces. This leads to gatekeeping; the practice of telling folks if they do or do not belong in queer spaces. Gatekeeping is shitty. As I mentioned, it’s not up to other people to affirm your queerness, and that includes other queers. Certain communities normalize gatekeeping, but that’s not true for all. If a group of folks regularly make you feel excluded for not being “queer enough” they don’t deserve your sunshine. I promise, there are others who are accepting. Prioritize finding those people, it’s a better use of your time and energy.
If you’re struggling to understand your queerness, to come out, or find community… chat with us! We’re happy to help guide you along your journey, answer questions, and point you to resources and community 💕
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