How To Talk To Your Pals About P0rn

This blog was originally published on Lustery POV

How often do you talk openly about your porn preferences? For lots of folks, porn consumption, along with masturbation, are taboo topics. Culturally, we still have a lot to unpack about porn, which means that many people have unnecessary shame. And like any loaded topic, fantasy and personal pleasure often remain secretive, because it's easier not to talk about difficult topics. But there are many good reasons why we should be discussing the type of porn that turns us on with our pals! 

Before we jump in, I want to point out that most porn crosses the boundary between reality and fantasy - that's what makes it fun! Porn spans the gamut from realistic but stylized to full-blown physically impossible. Regardless, porn isn't meant to be sex education or a how-to guide; porn is meant to titillate, entertain, and spark our erotic curiosity. There have been many studies that try to distill porn preferences down to demographic - maybe you've heard the statistic floating around the internet that straight women are 186% more likely than men to watch lesbian porn. The conclusion from these studies is that women don't like the aggression of heterosexual porn and therefore watch lesbian porn because it's tender and female-focused. I have strong objections to these nonsensical generalizations. Sure, the misogyny, racism, and unrealistic body standards absolutely need to be resolved in mainstream porn, but that absolutely doesn't mean that women ONLY like tender porn, plenty don't and that's okay. Basically, what becomes abundantly clear when you talk regularly about porn is that folks get aroused by all sorts of things. Being into various types of porn isn't a moral indicator, it's simply a reflection of the complexity of human sexuality. The nice thing about consuming ethical porn is that it explores all sorts of themes, including extreme taboos, constrained by consensual negotiation off-camera.

Essentially, your porn preference doesn't have to fit into a neat box, you're allowed to be turned on by all sorts of content, even if you would never engage in those sexual acts in real life! Porn is meant to feed your erotic appetite but it doesn't necessarily have to cross over into your intimate practices, although there's certainly nothing wrong if it does!  

Destigmatizing Porn in Relationships

I'm going to assume that if you're reading this blog, the following probably doesn't apply to you, but it's still worth touching on. There are plenty of monogamous couples who subscribe to the notion that sexuality ceases to be individual and must only be explored in partnered practice once they enter a relationship. These are the couples who feel threatened by sex toys or vibrators, who get insecure if their partner masturbates, will not tolerate their partner expressing attraction towards anyone else, or who consider porn viewing as cheating. Underlying this attitude is the belief that relational security comes from ownership over a partner's sexuality. The uncomfortable truth that folks must come to terms with is that sexuality exists as much outside of a relationship as it does within. 

Unfortunately, the more people try to control or extinguish their pal's individual sexuality, the more they push porn, masturbation, and fantasy into secrecy. True security comes from the ability to recognize that we all get to have sexual desires that are compatible and expressed in our relationships and come to peace that certain fantasies exist privately. Porn is often a channel used to supplement our sexual appetite that exists outside of our relationship, even if we have perfectly satisfying intimacy with our partners. The more we are able to honor each other's fully complex sexual experiences, the more we can talk openly with one another, and the less we feel threatened by the unknown. 

Describing Our Desires 

As I mentioned, it can be super hard to have honest conversations about what we desire with our pals, especially if it differs from the intimacy we engage in together. Part of the problem as we explored above is an issue of self-differentiation, but the other part is that we have tight parameters around what is acceptable desires and what isn't. The kinkier your fantasies, the harder it can be to talk about them. Socially,  we're told that fantasies that diverge from normative sex scripts are deviants, plot twists - they aren't! But giving ourselves permission to enjoy what we like takes time and courage. We have to develop a deeper understanding of our arousal, as well as confront limiting and shaming narratives we've held about pleasure. Learning to love our sexuality without shame can be a truly bonding experience when we can share it with our pals. 

While I made the distinction earlier that porn isn't reality, it must be said that sometimes porn allows us to discover what we want to explore! If you're in a long-term relationship, it can be easy to fall into a standard script. Since porn offers a large selection of fantasy material, it can provide inspiration for new ways to engage sexually. Of course, porn literacy is important when you're trying to perform what you watched on screen in bed. For example, you need to understand the time it takes to warm up and safety measures if you want to try fisting! Just because something looks easy in porn, doesn't mean that's how it is in real life. 

Watching Porn Together

Lastly, watching porn with our pals can offer a unique experience in itself. Finding a genre, porn platform, or performer that you and your pal both like can be a fun way to change up your sexual routine. Embracing a variety of sexual expressions, including watching porn, reading or listening to erotica, mutual masturbation, sending nudes, etc. can all be part of having healthy adult sexuality. Just because a lot of tube sites offer problematic and dehumanizing porn doesn't mean all porn is bad. There are so many affirming, diverse, ethical platforms, like Lustery, that create high-quality content. It's time for us to ditch the negativity toward porn and realize that we just need to know where to look.  Having conversations about porn with our pals doesn't have to be uncomfortable. When we have porn options that are sexy and delightful, talking about what we enjoy can be an uplifting and bonding experience. 

At the end of the day, we all have different desires and ways to engage with our sexuality. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that our individual needs and preferences automatically go away. We shouldn't feel ashamed for enjoying porn or masturbation because we're in a couple. In fact, watching porn with our lovers can be hot and might even give us a few new ideas! 

I hope we got your juices flowing. As always, we aim to provide as much free and accessible content as possible; thanks to the amazing support of our patrons. Head over to our Patreon to support our work and get access to bonus content! If you have any questions or want to chat, please book a peer support session.