Liberating Homonormativity
Before I jump in, I want to make it clear that there's no singular way of being gay, I'm certainly not disparaging Glennon Doyle or Abby Wambach's relationship, nor am I interested in playing "queer enough." I bring them up merely to provide an example of homonormativity using mainstream celesbians, but admittedly don't know much about them!
On a road trip, a few months ago, Honey Bunch and I listened to We Can Do Hard Things, a podcast by Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach. It was fun, they're very entertaining, and I recommend you check it out next time you're driving. We giggled listening to Glennon, who admittedly hasn't been out most of her adult life, clumsily explain gay terms like "pillow princess" and continuously call lesbian bed death "lesbian deathbed" (~omggggg~) to her presumably cisgender heterosexual female listeners. But as we got deeper into the episode, "Silent Sex Queen", we started to feel more and more disconnected. I was caught off guard by how conventional and uncomfortable the discussion around their first fuck was; it didn't sound at all like the conversations I normally have with other queers about sex during peer support calls or friend hangs. Weeks later, I overheard Honey Bunch talking with her mom (hi Lynn!), who had recommended the podcast, about the reason she didn't resonate. Honey Bunch explained that besides being in a relationship with someone of the same gender, the two seemed (again, only based on a couple of episodes) to be a " nice, normal homonormative couple." This brought up the ideological difference between mainstream gayness and radical queerness. Which brought up the fact that homonormativity is rarely explained outside of the community. So if you've never heard this term, pull up a chair.
Here's the root question:
As people with marginalized sexual orientations and gender identities, are we striving to assimilate into the dominant culture or liberate ourselves from those very structures and institutions?
To give you an overview, we can analyze the LGBTQIA+ experience through two frameworks: homonormativity and queer liberation. The first seeks to achieve equal rights for gay and trans folks by asserting that queerness is an essential identity, proving that gay and trans people are otherwise no different from cisgender heterosexual folks, assimilating into the dominant culture and institutions, and establishing anti-discrimination legislation. The second seeks to dismantle power structures that impose restrictions on sexuality and gender by asserting that there is no normal standard for human experience, proving that sexuality and gender are fluid actions rather than fixed identities, and opposing binaries that inherently reproduce oppressive hierarchies through the expansion of free choice.
The Myth of Normality
I'm about to blast through 200 years worth of queer theory in a paragraph, so if this is all new content to you, or if you need a quick refresher, I recommend first checking out Queer: A Graphic History by Meg-John Barker and Queering Anarchism by Deric Shannon. For brevity, this is a very simplified explanation.
Queer Theory offers an important lesson: normality is constructed yet presumed to be essential. In short, social norms emerge over time to define what behaviors and beliefs are considered right and wrong, rather than reflecting a static universal truth. This is the basic philosophy presented by Michel Foucault. Norms are constantly evolving since humans are adaptable. However, people are also biased, so social agreements reflect and validate the lived experience of those with power, at the expense of those without. Normativity reduces variable choices to a singular "right" option. Compulsory heterosexuality, coined by Adrienne Rich, describes the normative assumption of straightness by presenting it as the only viable option, which functions to impose patriarchal control over women. In other words, straightness is not just sexual orientation but a way to strengthen gender hierarchies by eradicating choice. All non-normative options (ie queerness) are seen as wrong, immoral, unnatural, or bad unless it closely mirrors straightness. Binary models, such as straight/gay or cis/trans, persecute and discredit people without normative privilege, while simultaneously reinforcing and legitimizing the power of those with privilege. We forget, due to historical erasure, that queerness has always existed and is no more or less "natural" than straightness. As described by Gayle Rubin, queerness is simply an example of benign sexual variation. But as she points out, people incorrectly believe there is a singular experience of sexual attraction which matches their own. In fact, our current obsession with heterosexuality as an identity is rooted in the 19th century, correlating with the industrial revolution and the need for consistent (thus institutionalized) labor reproduction. Institutions, like marriage, are used to enforce compulsory heterosexuality and create actionable ways for us to demonstrate our compliance, as well as self-monitor and punish others for deviating. Norms produce more norms, which compound to remove our choice in how we express ourselves and relate to others. Compulsory heterosexuality becomes entangled in monosexism (ie. you can only be attracted to one other gender, discrediting bisexuality), sexual imperatives (ie. you must experience sexual attraction, discrediting asexuality), compulsory monogamy (ie. you must only have one long-term exclusive partner, discrediting polyamory), cisnormativity (ie. you can only be male or female depending on what you were assigned at birth, discrediting transgender and gender non-conforming folks), etc. These other cultural norms often go unchallenged and discredit lots of members of the queer community, who experience exclusion as a result. Today, people are still discouraged from questioning their sexual orientation, due to the prevalence of compulsory heterosexuality but more people are challenging those norms, and attitudes towards gays and lesbians are improving. However, the same can’t be said about trans, non-binary, ace, bi, pan, intersex, and polyam folks. Even those who do come out as queer face another obstacle, the pressure to conform to homonormativity.
Normality constructs a hierarchy: Straightness is the ideal, and gayness is acceptable when it mirrors straightness, and queerness is deviant. Normative models place queer folks as perpetually second-class.
The Cost of Assimilation
Many straight people make the mistake of saying they "accept" gay and trans folks. It's important to understand this acceptance is a non-consensual power dynamic due to the current sexual hierarchy. In other words, for straight people to accept queer people, means straights are holding power over queers by setting conditions for inclusion or exclusion. The dominant culture, including legal rights, is only accessible to queers who comply with straight standards. Assimilation requires queer people to adopt the beliefs, behaviors, and values of the dominant straight culture in order to be accepted. Straight people have the power to discriminate and never have to reciprocate assimilation (because queer people don't hold systemic power, and therefore don't prevent straight people from accessing safety, rights, and institutional benefits). Homonormativity privileges gay folks whose relationships are closest to straight, as well as trans folks who pass as cisgender. That means white, allosexual, vanilla, monogamous, middle-class, cisgender, able-bodied gays, like Glennon and Abby, may benefit in the short-term (depending largely on the elected candidates at any given time) while POC, low-income, trans, and gender non-conforming, bi and pansexual, asexual, polyamorous, kinky, sex workers, and disabled queers continue to be treated as disposable and cannot escape discrimination. Essentially, those with more visibly non-normative identities face more discrimination - Kimberlé Crenshaw explains this in her theory of intersectionality. Furthermore, the assimilation mentality justifies homophobia and transphobia by telling queers that they wouldn't suffer if they followed the rules better. This neoliberal focus on identity politics negates the deliberately designed challenges queer folks must overcome due to unjust systems. Basically, a punitive model that places the conditionality of acceptance on individuals is nothing but bullshit in a nice package; it’s certainly not freedom. Homonormativity is a replication of hierarchy disguised as social progress. Reforming exclusionary institutions (like marriage) controls queer people by rewarding assimilation with social benefits (for example, using tax breaks to entice gay marriage which reinforces compulsory monogamy) while punishing deviance (for example, withholding hospital visitation rights from non-married polyamorous partners). Assimilation is fundamentally working against our well-being because it limits the ability of some to access basic rights for being different. Liberation isn't an individual endeavor, it's a collective reckoning.
It's important at this point to elaborate that there's nothing wrong with being monogamous, vanilla, cisgender, or whatever else. The key is understanding that those choices do carry privilege, and should be acknowledged. Your personal adherence to normative ways of existing should definitely not be used to gate-keep those who don't. Quite the contrary - with privilege comes the responsibility to fight for those without, we'll get to that in a second. Secondly, if your choices fall on the more normative side of the scale, like Abby and Glennon, that's fine, as long as it was a decision you were allowed to make freely rather than feeling obligated. Internalized queerphobia as well as the pressure to assimilate often obstruct our ability to choose. Queerness isn't a competition and you're allowed to practice your relationships, sexuality, and gender in ways that feel authentic to you, as long as you still hold responsibility towards the collective. To give you a single example, as a gay person, you’re allowed to choose to get married to your partner for benefits, while also recognizing that undocumented and/or polyamorous queers aren't able to get married under current US laws and therefore recognizing that securing social benefits (access to health care, tax breaks, child guardian rights, etc.) shouldn't rely on this system, and supporting measures that address these issues. That's the difference between assimilation and liberation.
Queer people don't need acceptance, they need you to be liberated from rigidly imposed sexual standards and gender roles. Assimilation is antithetical to liberation.
Reclaiming Queer
I've thrown around a lot of theory, here's where we get into practice. The first thing is to reclaim the term "queer" and use it as intended to signify a radical commitment to liberation for all LGBTQIA+ folks. We need to embrace queer as a practice, not as an identity. Think of it it this way, we (including cisgender heterosexual folks) practice queerness when we critically examine and divest ourselves from sexual and gender normativity. For example, you don’t have to be gay to practice sex positivity, you don’t have to be transgender to fuck with gender norms. Queer practice is an ongoing process. Queer practice is a responsibility not just to ourselves but to our collective community. My objection to queer as an identity is that it's easy to claim, it's shallow, and meaningless without action. Many gays call themselves queer while assimilating into mainstream homonormative culture and gatekeeping those who don't fit. I object to marginalized queers suffering so that a few acceptable gays and lesbians can access benefits. Without responsibility, the oppressed becomes the oppressor when offered power. Proximity to power isn't good enough. Rainbow capitalism isn't good enough. We cannot settle for anything other than liberation. This isn't just ideological bullshit, lives are at stake - need I remind you that 350 of our trans siblings were murdered last year alone. Sexual and gender norms destroy us. We hold the responsibility for change.
Embrace fluidity
Fluidity embraces the idea that sexuality and gender exist in many different forms, are expressed in a range of preferences depending on the person and are not universal or fixed. Fluidity expands options by resisting imposed binaries; options span beyond straight/gay, male/female, etc, and therefore don't need to be simplified in order to be categorized. Thus, fluidity rejects the subjugation of people to non-consensual power structures because no one can be categorized easily. Further, it resists the idea that normative people have an inherent right to assert dominion over non-normative people because it doesn't subscribe to a hierarchical model. By removing static binary identities we no longer allow queer folks to be ranked by value in relation to straightness. Fluidity encourages self-discovery through exploration. Desires and preferences change and therefore continuously have to be engaged with responsibility and curiosity. Lastly, fluidity cannot be homogenized. There is no standardization of singular human experiences, each individual is interesting and valuable for their uniqueness.
Promote Free Choice
What queer liberation really hinges on is the notion of choice. While there are certain parts of your gender and sexuality that you can’t control, you also shouldn’t be forced to conform to a singular normative way of existing, especially if it doesn’t match your authentic experience. You might not be able to control whether or not you have same-sex attraction or are transgender, but you should absolutely have the freedom to choose to express those parts of your identity without penalty. Each individual should be able to determine what is right for them about all aspects of their own (consensual) sexuality and gender identity, and should not have their safety, rights, or institutional benefits hindered as a result of those choices. Equally important, choice requires showing all possible options. Without seeing alternatives, there's no free will. We must stop insisting there are only singular options by omitting everything but the default. When we fail to have representation of folks with non-normative sexual and gender identities, queers often don’t realize there are others like them. This is a huge problem, suddenly people aren’t able to control their sexual and gender identities but also don’t have the words to describe their experience or can’t find a community to choose to join. Currently, we still reinforce that the "natural" way of being for *everyone* in the world is paired off in a dyadic long-term monogamous married romantic relationship with someone of the opposite (cis)gender and expression, in which you must have exclusive vanilla p-in-v sex once a week to maintain your spark while raising children. HUH?!
So, please look at the current defaults (bold) and remember there are loads of other options too, and people get to choose to identify with what feels authentic to them:
Sexual orientation: heterosexual, allosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, monosexual, polysexual, asexual, grey sexual, demisexual, fluid, etc
Sexual expression: vanilla, kinky, dominant, submissive, versatile
Relationship structures: monogamous romantic relationship, queer platonic, friends, familial, co-worker, single, ethically non-monogamous, polyamorous, relationship anarchism, fluid, etc
Gender identity: cisgender, transgender, non-binary, genderfluid, genderqueer, etc.
Gender expression: gender conforming (ie feminine if AFAB, masculine if AMAB), gender non-conforming, femme, butch, androgynous, MOC, fluid, etc.
Attraction: romantic, sexual, sensual, aesthetic, intellectual, emotional, etc.
I encourage you to add to this list, it certainly doesn't cover all normative assumptions!
At the end of the day, being queer isn't about telling folks they can't be vanilla, monogamous, cisgender, monosexual, allosexual, or anything else. Being queer is recognizing the current limits on free choice and giving everyone the option to choose what works best for them. Like I said in the beginning, it's when we limit our understanding of queerness to the gender of our romantic partner, that we unintentionally reinforce other equally restrictive norms. Being able to date or fuck people of the same gender is a sliver of the queer experience. Homonormativity erases all the beautiful variability in sexuality, relationships, and gender by upholding the same drudgery. Not good enough. We deserve to live in a world where our material welfare and holistic well-being aren't determined by our adherence to the rigid standards set by those who profit off of our compliance.
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