Transition Validations
At first, transitioning felt both impossible and incomprehensible. I didn't really know what I was doing or why I felt the need to change, I just knew something was amiss. I wish that someone had explained the following to me:
You're trying to look comfortable. “Comfortable” looks different on everyone; it’s unique to you. The world will try to make you believe that “comfortable” means conforming to the beauty standards of your assigned gender and that's simply not true for everyone. The world also incorrectly correlates certain clothes, hairstyles, makeup, and more with gender, again none of this is important. Rigid standards benefit those who are privileged at the expense of others; it's not your job to compromise your integrity to uphold those systems. Remember you're on a journey to discover what makes you feel the most you. As long as you’re feeling comfortable with yourself, you’re doing it right.
Comfortable isn’t necessarily easy to find. For some people, like myself, it changes every day, for others, it gradually changes over time, and still, others find something they like and stick to it. You don’t have to justify change. You can take your time finding comfort. You don’t have to hold on to what doesn’t suit you anymore.
Most importantly there’s no wrong answer. No one is actually grading you. And those who claim to know what's right for you don't understand that they should be focused on themselves. You'll learn a lot about others through your transition. Their reaction is a reflection of them, not of you. Some people will experience tremendous joy in seeing you find yourself. That speaks volumes about their character. Others might push back and even hurt you; remember you don't owe them comfort at the expense of yours. It's ok to let go of relationships that don't suit you anymore.
When you feel stuck, remember you always have choices. So try things. You also have the gift of time, life is short and precarious but there's also a chance you'll live longer. You don't have to figure everything out immediately. My transition started a decade ago with a haircut. You don't need to do everything all at once. And if you "screw up" just go back to the drawing board. You never have to be perfect.
Regardless of your gender identity, you're allowed to pick what feels comfortable, any of these can be valid to you:
-Body-
It's valid to want to change your body
It's also valid to love your body as is
It's valid to long for a body that isn't attainable
It's valid to feel differently about your body over time
It's valid to feel take steps not to feel dysphoric
It's valid to take testosterone or estrogen
It's also valid not to take any hormones
It's valid to be unsure of what you want
It's valid to be anxious, ecstatic, overwhelmed, or anything else before surgery
It's valid to love your body post-surgery
It's also valid to have doubts or regret about your surgery afterward
It's valid to get tattoos and piercings
It's valid to remove tattoos and piercings that no longer feel aligned with your gender
It's valid to not want body modifications
-Boobs & Chests-
It's valid to long for boobs
It's valid to love or to hate your boobs
It's valid to be indifferent about your boobs
It's valid to use a different word than "boobs"
It's valid to get top surgery or breast reductions
It's also valid to get augmentations
It's valid not to wear a bra
It's also valid to wear a sports bra, a frilly lace one, a pushup, or anything else
It's valid to bind (but please, please, please get a real binder! Improper binding can be very dangerous. Check out these options if you're unsure where to start)
It's valid to get your nipples pierced
It's valid not to have nipples
It's valid to love your top surgery scars
It's valid to get scar treatment
It's valid to get tattoos to cover up your scars
-Genitals & Sex-
It's valid to feel uncomfortable about your genitals and want them to change
It's valid to adore your bits
It's valid to need time to learn to love your parts
It's valid to feel better with a bush that hides your genitals
It's valid to feel sexy when you're shaved smooth or somewhere in between
It's valid to want bottom growth
It's valid to get bottom surgery
It's valid to call your genitals by a different name
It's valid to rock a packer
It's valid to tuck
It's valid to touch yourself only in ways that affirm your gender
It's valid to fantasize about having different parts
It's valid to use toys or tools that align with your gender
It's valid to have sex that doesn't involve your genitals
It's valid to love sex
It's valid to express your gender or transgress norms in the bedroom
-Hair-
It's valid to have short hair, long hair, or anything in between
It's valid to shave your head entirely
It's valid to love your haircut or hate it (don't stress too much it grows back!)
It's valid to have a complete makeover
It's valid to stick to the same hairstyle forever
It's valid to play with colored hair
It's valid to have a beard, mustache, or no facial hair
It's valid to grow out your body hair
It's also valid to shave, wax, sugar, or laser off your body hair
It's valid to remove body hair that appeared because of hormone therapy
It's valid to love your new body hair
It's valid to change whether you're hairy or smooth depending on your mood
-Clothes-
It's valid to be femme, masc, androgynous, or anything else
It's valid to buy clothes typically assigned to your gender and those that aren't
It's valid to buy clothes that are "gender neutral"
It's valid to change your appearance or not
It's valid to prefer dresses or suits or both or none
It's valid to wear boxers, panties, thongs, nothing
It's valid to throw away clothes that make you feel uncomfortable
It's valid to bring a friend shopping to validate you
It's valid not to shop at stores with employees or customers that make you feel judged
It's valid to request to use changing rooms that align with your identity
It's valid to use changing rooms that align with your assigned gender
It's valid to feel frustrated that there are no changing rooms that align with your identity
It's valid to try clothes on at home and return those that don't fit
It's valid to shop online
It's valid to do clothing swaps with your trusted friends
It's valid to not care about clothes at all
It's valid to wear the same types of clothes all the time
It's valid to request a uniform that makes you feel comfortable
It's valid to reject wearing gendered clothes that were given or assigned to you
-Voice & Manners-
It's valid to have strong feelings about how you sound
It's valid to practice using a different voice
It's valid to use hormones to change your voice
It's valid not to care about your voice
It's valid to behave in ways that are more gender-normative
It's valid to reject gender norms altogether
It's valid to practice different mannerisms or behavior that support your identity
It's valid to change the way you walk and sit depending on the context
It's valid to need to practice walking in heels
It's valid to change the way you behave and express yourself on a given day
-Name & Pronouns-
It's valid to love your given name
It's valid to change your name
It's valid to change your name multiple times
It's valid to be indifferent about your pronouns
It's also valid to be sensitive about your pronouns
It's valid to use pronouns that were assigned to you
It's valid to use they/them
It's also valid to use neopronouns
It's valid to use different pronouns in public and private
It's valid to change what pronouns you use
It's valid not to correct people when they get your pronouns wrong
It's valid to ask people not to misgender you
-Public Self-
It's valid to be visibly queer in public
It's valid to pass as gender-normative in public
It's valid to feel uncomfortable in public
It's valid to put your safety first in public
It's valid to feel angry when strangers misgender you
It's valid to not care about what strangers think
It's valid to correct people when they misgender you
It's valid to ask a friend to correct people when they misgender you
It's valid to use bathrooms that align with your gender
It's valid to use bathrooms that align with your assigned gender
It's valid to only use single-person or gender-neutral bathrooms
It's valid to tell off folks who try to police you in the bathroom
It's valid to feel more comfortable placating or completely ignoring bathroom policers
It's valid to take medication to help with anxiety due to public interactions
It's valid to tell people to mind their own business
It's valid not to interact with people who don't respect you
It's valid to seek out medical providers that respect your identity
It's valid to only work in places that feel safe
It's valid not to be out at work
It's valid to be different in public than in private
-Relationships-
It's non-negotiable that your pals respect your gender identity
It's valid to leave pals who don't support your identity
It's valid to ask your pals to read and learn about transitions
It's valid to use different names and/or pronouns with your pals than in public
It's valid to ask your pals to stand up for you in public
It's valid to ask your pals to be discreet about your queerness in public
It's valid for the relationship you have with your pals to change during or post-transition
It's valid for your sexual or romantic attraction to your pals to change
It's valid to tell your pals how you want to be touched
It's valid to request your pals use different language when referring to your body parts
It's valid to not want your pals to touch you in particular ways
It's valid to tell your pals what types of intimacy make you feel most comfortable
It's valid to not know what you want in bed
It's valid to explore new things with your pals
It's valid to feel closer to your pals as you transition
It's valid to outgrow folks
It's valid to place yourself first and foremost
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