Transition Validations

At first, transitioning felt both impossible and incomprehensible. I didn't really know what I was doing or why I felt the need to change, I just knew something was amiss. I wish that someone had explained the following to me: 

You're trying to look comfortable. “Comfortable” looks different on everyone; it’s unique to you.  The world will try to make you believe that “comfortable” means conforming to the beauty standards of your assigned gender and that's simply not true for everyone. The world also incorrectly correlates certain clothes, hairstyles, makeup, and more with gender, again none of this is important. Rigid standards benefit those who are privileged at the expense of others; it's not your job to compromise your integrity to uphold those systems. Remember you're on a journey to discover what makes you feel the most you. As long as you’re feeling comfortable with yourself, you’re doing it right. 

Comfortable isn’t necessarily easy to find. For some people, like myself, it changes every day, for others, it gradually changes over time, and still, others find something they like and stick to it. You don’t have to justify change. You can take your time finding comfort. You don’t have to hold on to what doesn’t suit you anymore. 

Most importantly there’s no wrong answer. No one is actually grading you. And those who claim to know what's right for you don't understand that they should be focused on themselves. You'll learn a lot about others through your transition. Their reaction is a reflection of them, not of you. Some people will experience tremendous joy in seeing you find yourself. That speaks volumes about their character. Others might push back and even hurt you; remember you don't owe them comfort at the expense of yours. It's ok to let go of relationships that don't suit you anymore. 

When you feel stuck, remember you always have choices. So try things. You also have the gift of time, life is short and precarious but there's also a chance you'll live longer. You don't have to figure everything out immediately. My transition started a decade ago with a haircut. You don't need to do everything all at once. And if you "screw up" just go back to the drawing board. You never have to be perfect. 

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Regardless of your gender identity, you're allowed to pick what feels comfortable, any of these can be valid to you:

-Body-

  • It's valid to want to change your body 

  • It's also valid to love your body as is 

  • It's valid to long for a body that isn't attainable 

  • It's valid to feel differently about your body over time

  • It's valid to feel take steps not to feel dysphoric 

  • It's valid to take testosterone or estrogen 

  • It's also valid not to take any hormones 

  • It's valid to be unsure of what you want

  • It's valid to be anxious, ecstatic, overwhelmed, or anything else before surgery 

  • It's valid to love your body post-surgery

  • It's also valid to have doubts or regret about your surgery afterward

  • It's valid to get tattoos and piercings 

  • It's valid to remove tattoos and piercings that no longer feel aligned with your gender

  • It's valid to not want body modifications 

-Boobs & Chests-

  • It's valid to long for boobs 

  • It's valid to love or to hate your boobs

  • It's valid to be indifferent about your boobs

  • It's valid to use a different word than "boobs" 

  • It's valid to get top surgery or breast reductions

  • It's also valid to get augmentations  

  • It's valid not to wear a bra

  • It's also valid to wear a sports bra, a frilly lace one, a pushup, or anything else 

  • It's valid to bind (but please, please, please get a real binder! Improper binding can be very dangerous. Check out these options if you're unsure where to start) 

  • It's valid to get your nipples pierced 

  • It's valid not to have nipples

  • It's valid to love your top surgery scars 

  • It's valid to get scar treatment 

  • It's valid to get tattoos to cover up your scars 

-Genitals & Sex-

  • It's valid to feel uncomfortable about your genitals and want them to change

  • It's valid to adore your bits

  • It's valid to need time to learn to love your parts

  • It's valid to feel better with a bush that hides your genitals

  • It's valid to feel sexy when you're shaved smooth or somewhere in between

  • It's valid to want bottom growth

  • It's valid to get bottom surgery 

  • It's valid to call your genitals by a different name 

  • It's valid to rock a packer 

  • It's valid to tuck 

  • It's valid to touch yourself only in ways that affirm your gender

  • It's valid to fantasize about having different parts

  • It's valid to use toys or tools that align with your gender 

  • It's valid to have sex that doesn't involve your genitals

  • It's valid to love sex 

  • It's valid to express your gender or transgress norms in the bedroom 

-Hair-

  • It's valid to have short hair, long hair, or anything in between 

  • It's valid to shave your head entirely 

  • It's valid to love your haircut or hate it (don't stress too much it grows back!)

  • It's valid to have a complete makeover

  • It's valid to stick to the same hairstyle forever 

  • It's valid to play with colored hair 

  • It's valid to have a beard, mustache, or no facial hair 

  • It's valid to grow out your body hair 

  • It's also valid to shave, wax,  sugar, or laser off your body hair  

  • It's valid to remove body hair that appeared because of hormone therapy 

  • It's valid to love your new body hair 

  • It's valid to change whether you're hairy or smooth depending on your mood 

-Clothes-

  • It's valid to be femme, masc, androgynous, or anything else

  • It's valid to buy clothes typically assigned to your gender and those that aren't

  • It's valid to buy clothes that are "gender neutral" 

  • It's valid to change your appearance or not 

  • It's valid to prefer dresses or suits or both or none 

  • It's valid to wear boxers, panties, thongs, nothing 

  • It's valid to throw away clothes that make you feel uncomfortable 

  • It's valid to bring a friend shopping to validate you 

  • It's valid  not to shop at stores with employees or customers that make you feel judged

  • It's valid to request to use changing rooms that align with your identity 

  • It's valid to use changing rooms that align with your assigned gender 

  • It's valid to feel frustrated that there are no changing rooms that align with your identity 

  • It's valid to try clothes on at home and return those that don't fit 

  • It's valid to shop online 

  • It's valid to do clothing swaps with your trusted friends 

  • It's valid to not care about clothes at all 

  • It's valid to wear the same types of clothes all the time

  • It's valid to request a uniform that makes you feel comfortable 

  • It's valid to reject wearing gendered clothes that were given or assigned to you 

-Voice & Manners-

  • It's valid to have strong feelings about how you sound

  • It's valid to practice using a different voice

  • It's valid to use hormones to change your voice

  • It's valid not to care about your voice

  • It's valid to behave in ways that are more gender-normative 

  • It's valid to reject gender norms altogether 

  • It's valid to practice different mannerisms or behavior that support your identity

  • It's valid to change the way you walk and sit depending on the context

  • It's valid to need to practice walking in heels 

  • It's valid to change the way you behave and express yourself on a given day

-Name & Pronouns-

  • It's valid to love your given name 

  • It's valid to change your name 

  • It's valid to change your name multiple times 

  • It's valid to be indifferent about your pronouns 

  • It's also valid to be sensitive about your pronouns 

  • It's valid to use pronouns that were assigned to you

  • It's valid to use they/them 

  • It's also valid to use neopronouns 

  • It's valid to use different pronouns in public and private 

  • It's valid to change what pronouns you use 

  • It's valid not to correct people when they get your pronouns wrong

  • It's valid to ask people not to misgender you 

-Public Self- 

  • It's valid to be visibly queer in public

  • It's valid to pass as gender-normative in public

  • It's valid to feel uncomfortable in public

  • It's valid to put your safety first in public 

  • It's valid to feel angry when strangers misgender you 

  • It's valid to not care about what strangers think 

  • It's valid to correct people when they misgender you 

  • It's valid to ask a friend to correct people when they misgender you 

  • It's valid to use bathrooms that align with your gender 

  • It's valid to use bathrooms that align with your assigned gender

  • It's valid to only use single-person or gender-neutral bathrooms

  • It's valid to tell off folks who try to police you in the bathroom 

  • It's valid to feel more comfortable placating or completely ignoring bathroom policers 

  • It's valid to take medication to help with anxiety due to public interactions

  • It's valid to tell people to mind their own business 

  • It's valid not to interact with people who don't respect you 

  • It's valid to seek out medical providers that respect your identity

  • It's valid to only work in places that feel safe

  • It's valid not to be out at work 

  • It's valid to be different in public than in private

-Relationships- 

  • It's non-negotiable that your pals respect your gender identity 

  • It's valid to leave pals who don't support your identity 

  • It's valid to ask your pals to read and learn about transitions 

  • It's valid to use different names and/or pronouns with your pals than in public 

  • It's valid to ask your pals to stand up for you in public 

  • It's valid to ask your pals to be discreet about your queerness in public 

  • It's valid for the relationship you have with your pals to change during or post-transition

  • It's valid for your sexual or romantic attraction to your pals to change

  • It's valid to tell your pals how you want to be touched 

  • It's valid to request your pals use different language when referring to your body parts

  • It's valid to not want your pals to touch you in particular ways 

  • It's valid to tell your pals what types of intimacy make you feel most comfortable 

  • It's valid to not know what you want in bed 

  • It's valid to explore new things with your pals 

  • It's valid to feel closer to your pals as you transition 

  • It's valid to outgrow folks 

  • It's valid to place yourself first and foremost

I hope we got your juices flowing. As always, we aim to provide as much free and accessible content as possible; thanks to the amazing support of our patrons. Head over to our Patreon to support our work and get access to bonus content! If you have any questions or want to chat, please book a peer support session.

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Liberating Homonormativity

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Gender Reveal