Rank Choice Voting
Rank-choice voting to get unstuck
Sometimes couples end up in gridlock because of fundamentally opposed desires or needs. Other times, we get stuck on the same issues that should be relatively easy to sort out because we don’t want our metamour to get their way while we’re forced to compromise (again). Couples can turn on each other when they get stuck, repeating the same argument, rehashing their point of view while gradually listening less and less to their partner… after all, they have heard their partner’s side too many times to count. This is inevitably a frustrating situation. Using a framework to find a solution everyone can live with can help you move past gridlock. If the issue is a dealbreaker, this method probably won’t work. However, this method can help you regain momentum to get past most garden-variety disagreements.
Rank choice voting in your relationship works like this:
1. Define the problem – clearly state what the disagreement is. Sometimes, we argue about abstractions, like whether our partner prioritizes us or not. For the next steps to work, we need a list of tangible behaviors, concise examples, or specific situations to be addressed. If the argument isn’t concrete, you can use the triforce of communication to discuss the issue instead.
2. List all the possible solutions – Then, narrow the list down to the preferred five. If you’re doing this exercise with a polycule, make sure that each person involved adds their preferred solution as well as a few alternatives. Narrowing down to five-ish choices keeps the options concise but gives you enough different possible avenues. But it’s an arbitrary number, so if you need more or less, adjust accordingly.
3. Individually rank the options from most desirable to least – Think about what you can live with when making your second and third picks. The whole intention of this exercise is to find some sort of compromise. At this point, you’re probably too far in opposite camps to get exactly what you want, so try to focus on a solution that can salvage your relationship by getting you out of gridlock.
4. Compare your lists and identify the highest-common option. You’ll most likely have to strike your top pick off the list but keep going down the choices and see where you and your partner match. This is going to be the option to implement.
5. Check in. As with all new agreements, I suggest you give yourself a set trial period to implement and then evaluate whether it’s actually addressing the issue or not. There’s a good chance that after y’all have tried out an agreement, you’ll realize it wasn’t the right solution. This might either change your perspective and make you more amendable to your partner or vice versa, but more likely; you’ll need to try this method again. This isn’t a surefire way to resolve all conflict; it’s simply a tool to get you unstuck. When you’ve butted heads for a while, any movement is a success.
As with 30-day agreements, I recommend that you give yourselves at least a month to acclimate to the new decision before changing it. Solutions won’t always be perfect, but the goal is coming to an agrement that everyone can live with. After all, it’s often better to come to a compromise than to go on fighting endlessly, even if it wasn’t your first choice to begin with.