Sex-Positivity
It’s no secret that we collectively have strange attitudes towards sex. Let’s look at how our sex negative culture have impacted the way we understand intimacy. But more importantly, let’s go over some principles of sex positivity that you can adopt and practice in your own life.
What is sex positivity?
Sex Positivity is a philosophy that respects each person's fundamental right to experience their version of enthusiastic and consensual pleasure. Sex positivity doesn't dictate what TYPE of sex you have, rather it focuses on how individuals experience pleasure that is unique and evolving. Being sex positive doesn't mean that you HAVE to have sex, have to fuck a lot of people, or have to be really kinky. Being sex positive means that you recognize when you want to have sex, with who, and under what conditions; you participate in intimacy that upholds your personal boundaries. You recognize and respect that other people have different sexual preferences and boundaries.
Why do we need sex positivity?
Creating a sex positive culture requires us to undo the fundamentally flawed notion that there's a SINGULAR "right" or "normal" way to experience sexuality.
Sexuality is traditionally discussed in binaries (straight or queer, monogamous or poly, kinky or vanilla, virgin or whore, etc.). Morality is attached to the “right” choice, while the other binary option is vilified, erased, or othered. But being asked to choose between two confining options sets us up for failure when most parts of our sexuality exist on a fluid spectrum. Replacing binary paradigms with exploration allows us to develop an authentic understanding of what we want rather than what we SHOULD want!
Sexuality is as complex and varied as all the different types of people on earth. Focusing only on vanilla monogamous cisgender heterosexual white able male sexuality erases all variability. This also leads to the persecution of folks who fall into sexual minorities, like the LGBTQIA+ community and Kink & Leather groups.
What is sex negativity?
Sex negativity, also referred to as antisexualism, seeks to control and restrict sexual behavior in favor of public morality. Sex negativity is, at its core, a tool of domination. It reinforces white supremacist patriarchal institutions and beliefs. There have been many groups that uphold sex negativity, each with their own subsets of beliefs and restrictions. Conservative purity & abstinence movements, the Christian condemnation of LGBTQ+ folks, anti-porn & anti-sex worker movements are just a few examples. While there are obviously huge differences in approach and scope between movements, the outcome still casts sex as something that should be regulated rather than freely and consensually explored.
In mainstream American society, sex negativity is deeply enmeshed with rape culture. Meaning, we are inundated with sexual images, but they have a deeply misogynistic tones that glorify the objectification of women. Rape culture downplays the reality and impact of sexual violence, while justifying female subjugation. Rape culture is ubiquitous in the media and has dramatic implications for interpersonal sexual relations.
One thing to note, people often confuse sex negativity with asexuality but they are not the same. Asexuality is a valid orientation that describes folks who do not experience sexual attraction. But asexual people can still be sex positive, because part of being sex positive means also respecting folks who do not want to have sex!
Examples of sex negativity
Abstinence only until marriage (AOUM) education
Belief that sex should only be penis-in-vagina between heterosexual cisgender couples
Objectification of heterosexual cisgender thin able body white women
Erasure or vilification of fat, black and brown, disabled, queer, trans people
Normalization of non-consensual sex acts
Slut-shaming and victim blaming of sexual violence survivors
Pathologizing of BDSM and kink
Whore / Virgin dichotomies
Anti-abortion laws & forced birtherism
STI stigma
Criminalization & censorship of sex workers
Sex Positive Alternatives
Inclusive & scientifically correct sex education
Sexual activities with informed consent & risk-awareness
Bodily autonomy
Deconstructing of beauty & body hierarchies
Supporting queer liberation
Normalizing consensual sex acts ONLY
Believing sexual violence survivors and rehabilitating offenders
BDSM and kink education
Dismantling sexist dichotomies
Promoting gender equality & deconstructing the gender binary
Equal access to abortion
STI testing & safer sex practices
Decriminalizing sex work
Grappling with our internalized sex negativity
Whenever I teach the principles of sex positivity, I receive push-back. There are predictable sticky points, though they vary from person to person. For example, one of the common hang-ups many folks seem to have is around sex work. A lot of people still confuse sex work with sex trafficking, and even those who are aware of the difference generally only think of survival sex work, rather than considering it a respectable job. I won’t go into the nuances here (that’s for another day) but I want to explain why so many of us struggle to fully embrace sex positivity.
Let’s start here: SHAME AND GUILT are huge motivators. Most of us were taught to be sex negative by our churches, schools, media, politicians, communities, families, and friends. Whether these messages were explicit, like your pastor telling you that you’d go to hell if you were gay, or implicit, like your mom telling you to cover up before going out, these messages instilled shame and guilt around our desires. We’ve been programmed to self-monitor and police other’s sexuality rather than being compassionate and open to exploration. It’s normal to point our fingers at people who are not following the sexual norms we have internalized, because it challenges our beliefs and makes us uncomfortable.
The second important point is that we lack accurate education. When sex ed classes focus only on abstinence and fear, we don’t have space to develop a loving and curious attitude towards sex. For a lot of us, sex is a dirty secret, because that’s how we were taught to view it. But the more you learn, the less scary sex becomes. When we teach inclusive and accurate education that focuses on consent and communication, sex becomes a fun bonding activity.
How do to be more sex positive
Being non-judgmental and curious is my favorite way to learn. Learning about sexuality isn’t like taking a math class. It’s more about being able to do the work to learn about yourself than it is about learning objective facts. With that said, there are a few basics that are fundamental to being sex positive; we all need to learn how to be risk-aware, how to practice safer sex, and how to respect ourselves and our partners. The more you learn, the better you are at being sex positive.
Be honest about your limits. Even if that means saying “I’m too uncomfortable to engage with this yet.” We’re all at different points in our learning and it’s okay to need time to process what you’re learning. There’s a difference between reading material and integrating concepts into your life. The latter happens slowly by talking to your pals and giving yourself space to reflect. As I mentioned, a big part of embracing sex positivity is dismantling our shame and guilt around sexuality. It’s really hard to confront the dysfunctional attitudes we’ve internalized, luckily you aren’t alone. Many people are also doing this work, chatting with friends or peer mentors (like myself) can help you challenge and deconstruct the beliefs that don’t serve you.
Most of all, view the process of being sex positive as a life-long learning journey! None of us know everything, we’re constantly expanding our understanding. Embrace the process and try a lot of different sexy things!
I hope we got your juices flowing. As always, we aim to provide as much free and accessible content as possible; thanks to the amazing support of our patrons. Head over to our Patreon to support our work and get access to bonus content! If you have any questions or want to chat, please book a peer support session.