Consent Basics
Consent needs to be the foundation of all sexual interactions. Sex acts without consent are considered sexual violence. If you do not feel comfortable asking for and giving support, you need to work on your communication before you’re ready to have sex. No shame, most of us didn’t receive appropriate sex education; it’s okay if you need to take some time to learn these skills before sharing intimacy. What’s most important is that you respect yourself and respect your partners every single time you engage in intimate acts. And just remember that the more you practice open communication the easier it will get!
What is consent?
In a sexual context, consent is simply the informed decision and mutual desire to participate in intimate activity. More broadly, consent is the agreement you make with other people about how you will interact together. For example, you can ask your partner for consent before having a conversation to ensure they are okay discussing a specific topic. Consent allows everyone to clarify their boundaries and set expectations together.
Types of consent
Most people are familiar with Explicit Verbal Consent (EVC) - asking your pal directly if they want to engage in a specific act and requesting a direct verbal affirmation before proceding. This is the clearest form of consent and is often the best choice if you’re initiating intimacy, if you’re unfamiliar with your pals’ sexual boundaries, or if you’re trying a new form of intimacy.
However, just as important is Non-Verbal Consent (NVC*) - looking for affirmative body language before continuing intimacy. When practicing NVC it’s important to pause intimacy and check in with your pal if you pick up on ambiguous cues or negative body language. NVC is equally important for intimacy because most people don’t like being asked for EVC between every single intimate act. NVC does require competancy at reading non-verbal cues, if this is challenging for you, or if your pal sends many mixed signals it’s okay to ask for verbal clarification!
Principles of consent
Informed
You and your pals need to know what you’re agreeing to. That means going over safer sex practices & disclosing STI status, informing each other of current sexual partners, etc. You cannot consent to intimacy if your pal doesn’t disclose information that can impact you, and vice versa.Voluntary
Only you have the power to decide what you want to happen to you. This concept is called ‘bodily autonomy and it is crucial for establishing consent. Your pal cannot force you into saying yes or coerce you into agreeing. While I don’t fully agree with the idea that consent necessarily needs to be enthusiastic (sometimes we agree to things we are uncertain about) it must be voluntary.Conditional
Consent is specific. If you agree to kiss, you aren’t automatically agreeing to have sex. Whenever you want to escalate intimacy, you need to make sure that you’re checking in with each other again. If the conditions you agreed to are not being met, you should immediately stop the interaction.Ongoing
You and your pals are allowed to revoke consent at any point during an interaction. Simply tell your pal you want to stop. Just because you agree to start intimacy doesn’t mean you have to continue if it’s no longer enjoyable. Consent must be ongoing, which means it’s a good idea to continue checking in with one another throughout the interaction.
Some educators like to use the acronym FRIES to summarize these concepts!
F - freely given
R - reversible
I - informed
E - enthusiastic
S - Specific
Who can consent?
While there is a lot of nuances here, and I will go over some exceptions to these rules, it’s generally understood that you need to meet certain criteria to be able to consent.
Sober
Alcohol specifically (although this applies to any drug more broadly) can decrease your cognitive capacity. If you’re intoxicated, you’re not able to give informed consent. That means you should not try to have sex with anyone drunk.Mentally impaired
This point can seem very ableist, so I implore you to use critical judgment. But again, someone needs to be able to comprehend bodily autonomy and the principles of consent to be able to agree to an act. Not all disabilities are the same, and many disabled people can make choices for themselves. However, if someone is incapable of communicating what they do and doesn’t want to happen to them, it’s inappropriate to engage with them sexually.Unconscious or asleep
Someone who is passed out cannot give consent. You must be lucid to give consent. It’s that easy. If someone is passed out, in a coma, inebriated, or sleeping, you cannot have sex with them.Under age
This one is tricky because the age of consent differs geographically, some places put that age as low as 12. With that said, just because something is legal doesn’t mean it’s ethical. If you are a legal adult, it is ONLY appropriate for you to engage sexually with other legal adults. A 30-year-old having sex with a 16-year-old in South Carolina is * technically * legal, but ethically this is grooming. Don’t have sex with kids or teens - don’t be a pedophile, it’s just that easy.
Assume “No” Means “No”
Our culture teaches (wrongly) that “no” sometimes means “yes”. More specifically, our gender-based cultural conditioning reinforces that women play coy and men need to push or simply take what they want. That narrative is the premise for rape culture. Consent culture by comparison assumes that “no” means “no” and gives folks the responsibility to take control of their desire if they want something. If someone says no and means yes, then it’s on them to change their approach or negotiate CNC with you beforehand. Respecting people’s ability to say “no” allows folks to enthusiastically extend their “yes”.
It’s important to point out that an absence of “no” doesn’t mean “yes” either. As we mentioned above, sometimes consent is non-verbal. Many folks have been socialized to be passive, people-pleasing, or indirect in their communication. They might struggle to clearly say “no” but instead feel comfortable exhibiting non-verbal cues. A lot of sexual violence happens between intimate couples, often because they aren’t communicating together and one partner takes a lack of objection as consent. If you’re unsure about a situation, it’s ALWAYS best to have an EVC check-in. Simply try, “hey, I just want to make sure I’m understanding you correctly, do you want to _________?”
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