Renovating Our Home (and Conflict Style)

As y’all know my partner and I have been renovating our home this past week. We’re through some of the larger projects (we hope!) and it’s got me thinking about the way couple dynamics show up in conflict. I don’t know if y’all are also working on home projects with your pals, but I’ve been noticing all of my neighbors hard at work on their homes too! It’s no secret that any large, expensive, labor-intensive, unexpected project can bring out the worst in our relationships! So I want to discuss ways that you can disagree, get angry, and still manage to walk away feeling like you’re on the same page.

Throughout our renovations, my partner has dubbed me ‘bossy pants’ and I, in turn, have nicknamed her ‘little miss stubborn.’ Our problems can be boiled down to a struggle with power allocation. While we’re normally very in sync around domestic chores, we are both type A and intensely dislike not being in charge. I tend to map things out in my head and delegate (dictate, according to her) work to get things done. My partner is very detail oriented and, I’ll say it, can’t take direction for shit. We end up in classic ‘too many chefs in the kitchen’ situations. I want to tell her what to do, but she goes rogue pursuing her side quests. To make matters worse, we’re also both very sensitive and often take feedback badly. Needless to say, our relationship got as messy as our home for a second.

Luckily, the two of us are generally really good at working through conflict together. It’s not a neat process by any stretch of the imagination, like I said, we’re very sensitive. But we do have some agreements that help us mitigate any unnecessary suffering. Usually, we’re able to resolve most issues within 24 hours. Conflict resolution takes practice and we get better the more often we do it!

Time-outs

Luckily, she and I are good at taking ‘time outs’ when conflict gets heated. Taking anywhere from 15 minutes to a full day away from one another allows the emotional dust to settle. While neither of us loves going to bed angry, we also recognize that continuing to have conversations that have already gone sour is a detriment to us both. One of our sacred relational agreements is that we can step away from conflict at any point, as long as we return to the issue when we feel calmer. We don’t push when one of us asks for space. We trust each other to come back and resolve problems when we’re able. Time-outs are also a safety mechanism to prevent conflicts from getting nasty. Name-calling, violent outbursts, insults, etc. can turn normal conflict into unsafe situations. We know that the faster we invoke a time-out, the less likely we are to do or say something we regret. Humans are emotional, emotions are difficult to control, time-out agreements safeguard us against our worst impulses.

Hearing each other out

Once we’ve cooled down, we’re in a headspace to listen to one another. In angry conflict, we often focus on making a point and being right, when usually we need to slow down and listen. A lot of conflict comes down to contradicting opinions or fear. Both are unavoidable in relationships. Being able to listen allows us to understand which type of issue we’re dealing with. ‘Bossy pants’ and ‘little miss stubborn’ issues are about us having different opinions on how to organize our projects. I want things done my way, she wants things done her way. Neither of us is wrong (lol she definitely is!) but we can’t move forward unless we find a compromise. While sensitivity to feedback is about a fear of not being good enough for each other. Listening to one another allows us to figure out if we need to take a step back and find common ground or if we need to provide affirmations to one another. The point of talking isn’t to be right or to win. The point of talking is to get a better understanding of each other so we can work together.

Responsibility

When we’re heated, we’re convinced the other person is in the wrong. And sometimes they are. But pointing out faults and ascribing blame only gets us so far. At the end of the day, we can only control ourselves and take responsibility for what we are bringing to the situation. Recognizing that we each contribute 50% to any conflict means that we have half of the power to make things worse or better. Once we’ve listened to each other we try to own up to our share of responsibility. We all make mistakes and while neither she nor I go into conflict with malicious intent, sometimes our opinions, choice of words, or delivery can aggravate the situation. By understanding what we’ve individually done, we can map out positive change. In our case being able to recognize when we’re being bossy or stubborn allows us to slow down and be more gentle with one another. Recognizing the way the other likes to receive feedback allows us to communicate more kindly and effectively together. Taking responsibility for our mistakes gives us the chance to change the next time we’re put in a similar situation.

Repair

Lastly, we tell each other what type of support we need. Conflict flares up over and over if we can’t offer each other support as we work on changing ourselves. I continue to be angry when my pal doesn’t follow my lead unless I ask her to support me by having a planning conversation each day before we start the project. I’m less bossy when we can sit down and discuss. Her willingness to have planning conversations means I’ll behave better and we both win. My pal continues to stubbornly do her own projects unless she asks me to make space for her to voice her opinions. She’s less stubborn when she knows that I value her opinion too. My willingness to listen to her  means we work better together in the long run. We learn to work harmoniously together by voicing our needs and agreeing to support one another. For us, repair also involves setting up date nights. When we’ve had a conflict, our relationship feels weaker, and spending deliberate quality time together helps build strength back up. Repair is all about creating conditions for us to get back on the same page.

As I mentioned, conflict is unavoidable. Conflict resolution takes practice. Sometimes we handle issues super well and quickly resolve problems. Other times conflict is hard and unprecedented, we need multiple tries before we make progress. It’s normal for couples to fight. But HOW you fight defines the long-term potential of your relationship. If you’ve never talked to your pals about the process you use to resolve conflict, it might be time to have that conversation! We can’t have a thoughtful conflict if we never make time to discuss our goals about resolution!

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