Ultimate Guide To Proper Pronoun Use

Hello hello! I assume you're reading this because someone in your life has recently come out to you. First, congratulations on being part of their journey! I hope you recognize that it's an honor for this person to let you in and share their newly discovered identity with you. You are someone they believe capable of making them feel safe, validated, and seen. As trans folks, we constantly have to be mindful of our safety since being trans is criminally punished in thirteen countries, unrecognized in forty-seven more, and received with hostility all over the globe. As an educator, I strongly recommend queer folks only come out to people who are safe. The fact that someone has shared their pronouns with you means they're extending you their trust. Please don't take this lightly. Now, I know it can be confusing to use different pronouns, especially if you've known someone a long time. Learning can be uncomfortable, but I'm here to offer some tips that will make getting their pronouns correct super easy.

Cisgender, Transgender, Non-Binary, Gender Non-Conforming

Let's cover the basics to get everyone up to speed. This is a very quick explanation since we’re not here for a 300-level gender theory course. Think of it this way, you're born with either a vulva, uterus, and XX chromosomes; a penis, testis, and XY chromosomes; or intersex meaning your sexual anatomy, reproductive anatomy, and/or chromosomes don't fall into the binaries. Babies are assigned a gender at birth based on their genitals. You are either assigned female (AFAB) or male (AMAB); this social process creates the gender binary. Gender is complicated to define but basically, it's the social construct that defines a set of expectations including behavior, appearance, pronouns, social roles, etc. That's where pronouns come into play, if you're AFAB then you're assigned she/her, if you're AMAB then you're assigned he/him. This is about as far as most people go to understand gender, but that's like settling for only black and white and rejecting color.

Let's get into queerness. If you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth, you're cisgender. If you don't identify with the gender you were assigned at birth, you are gender non-conforming or transgender. You can choose to transition medically and/or socially in order to identify with your correct gender. Certain folks transition from one binary gender to the other; folks assigned as female at birth are called trans men while folks assigned as male at birth are called trans women. You always identify people with their correct gender, not their assigned one! And then you have folks, like me, who identify outside of the binary. There's a variety of different labels to describe the nuances of gender experiences including, non-binary, genderfluid, genderqueer, gender non-conforming, agender, and more. There are also culture-specific identities including third gender, two-spirit, hijra, māhū, etc. Lastly, beyond your gender identity is how you choose to express yourself: femme, androgynous, masc, etc. That's the very condensed version! If you want to learn more, check out our awesome reading list.

Types of pronouns

Not all trans and gender non-conforming folks use the same pronouns. Some GNC folks will continue using the pronouns that were assigned to them at birth. Others will make changes that align with their identities. It’s always best practice to ask people what pronouns they use, rather than assuming. You can simply ask when you introduce yourself by saying something like “Hi, my name is Sam, I use ze/zir. What about you?” If you assume someone’s pronouns, and they correct you, it’s important to correct yourself moving forward. If you’re unfamiliar with gender-neutral and neopronouns, here’s a quick rundown with examples:

She/They- Eva used to be my coworker. She’s a lovely person. You can check out their work over at @whatsmybodydoing. Tell them I say hi if you chat with her! (when people use more than one pronoun you use them interchangeably)

They/Them/Their- Cass is my friend. They are a fabulous human. I met them recently at a bar. They always tell me great stories about themselves.

Ze/Zir/Zirs- Sam is a sex educator. Ze enjoys writing queer erotica. Zir stories are available on Patreon. Ze writes a lot about zirself and zir partners. (Some people prefer to use Ze/Hir/Hirs. I personally use ze/zir for consistency but always ask if you’re unsure!)

Xe/Xem/Xyr- Pat is a biker. Xe loves going out in the woods. I admire xyr adventurous spirit. I’ve asked xem to take me on an adventure

Fae/Faer/Faers- Maddy is a baker. Fae makes amazing croissants. I love having lunch with faer.

Let's address your ego

There might be part of you that's resisting using your person's correct pronouns or even resisting what you just read above, and I want to get that out of the way. I hear lots of excuses cis people give to push back against trans identities. Some folks debate the grammatical use of singular gender-neutral pronouns, but consult a dictionary and they'll give you this definition of they "used to refer to a person of unspecified gender." We use they/them colloquially every time we don't know someone's gender, this isn't new and it's not unusual. Other people say using they/them hinders clarity, but you may notice I've only used gender-neutral pronouns up to this point and I'm confident you've been able to follow. Still, other folks will insist that gender is inherent and biological; that's simply inaccurate. Whatever resistance is coming up for you, it's important to acknowledge your ego. Unfortunately, transphobia is ingrained in our culture. If you’re struggling, we’re here to help. You can also check out our list of queer-affirming therapists if you believe you’d benefit from ongoing professional support.

Just because something feels unfamiliar, hard to understand, or different doesn't make it wrong or untrue. Trans people exist, non-binary people exist, and I exist. Ultimately, we don't need your permission or even your acknowledgment but most of us want to maintain relationships with you! So we want your respect. When you lead with your ego and insist on debating our identities, it feels like you don't understand us at best or that our humanity is being extinguished at worse. And listen, I get it! These topics are really complicated, and they've been heavily politicized, so it makes sense why you might want to prove that transness is unnatural. But when people say that I hear, "I'm unnatural" and that's simply not true. If you need to get these thoughts out, I recommend writing them in a journal. It can feel really good to pour it out. I also recommend burning that journal and releasing those attitudes, they don't serve you well and they're a huge hindrance to maintaining a loving relationship with the trans folks in your life. Again, someone believes you are important and wants you to be part of their life.

Breaking habits

Changing habits is really hard. It's normal to slip up right after someone has changed their name or pronouns. Referring to them a certain way has been ingrained in your head. This is why thoughtfulness is crucial. You need to pay attention in the first weeks and perhaps even months when you're referring to your person. Your brain is lazy, and it wants to take mental shortcuts. It's normal for you to unconsciously default back to what's familiar. Unfortunately, what's familiar is incorrect! You need to train your brain to change. Change happens by paying attention, repetition, and consistency.

Pay attention- The reason many trans people get offended when they are misgendered is that it demonstrates a lack of care and respect. When we care about someone, we show them through attentiveness. Right after someone changes their pronouns, it'll be easy to make mistakes so slow down and speak carefully. Through practice, you'll retrain your brain, but especially in the beginning, you might need to focus more. Again, your person is looking for you to validate them, and you can do that by being careful.

Repetition- Practice makes perfect-ish! I really recommend practicing in the mirror and using your person's correct pronouns in your head. I publicly use she/they which means that people use both of them interchangeably. Many cis folks assume they can just use she/her for me because it's more comfortable for them, but that's basically the same as misgendering me. To practice, you can pretend you're introducing me to others, "Hi, this is Sam. She's an artist, they've been working on an exciting new project." Simple! Again, think of this as a mental workout. You can't go on a run once and have incredible cardio, you need to do it a bunch.

Consistency- I, unfortunately, see some folks fall back into lazy patterns after a while. They'll make an effort in the beginning and then just... stop. Don't do that! Your person will notice and speaking from experience, it's actually more painful when you believe that someone is going to respect you and then they don't after a while. The key is to pay attention and practice until it becomes harder to misgender them. Be committed to this change.

Holding yourself accountable

Speaking for myself, I don't get mad when someone makes a mistake, I get mad when they repeatedly get it wrong. It signals to me that they don't care enough to pay attention to me. Think of it this way, if someone got your name wrong, you'd correct them, and expect them to get it right next time. Folks who repeatedly misgender me damage our relationship by signaling they don't care. Getting someone's pronouns correct is a very basic form of respect. It's important for cis people to understand that it's not an inconvenience to respect someone. If you genuinely want to maintain a relationship with your person, hold yourself accountable.

When you make a mistake, all you have to do is correct yourself. No need for a big apology. No need to pretend it didn't happen. And definitely don't go on a rant about how gender-neutral pronouns are too confusing/inconvenient/wrong. Just go back, restate your sentence with the right pronoun (that way you're actively training your brain), and move on. It's not weird, we do this all the time! Think about when you accidentally say the wrong word, or pronounce something incorrectly, you don't make a scene, you just say it right and continue. Apply the same logic to pronouns. Make a commitment to catch yourself when you misgender someone the same way you do when you say the wrong thing.

Being corrected

Like I said earlier, everyone's brain wants to be lazy. You're gonna slip up. Even as a gender non-conforming person, I mess up my non-binary friends' pronouns from time to time. This doesn't make you a bad person. Mistakes happen. There's going to be a time when your person or someone else corrects you and it's imperative to learn how to react in those situations. Understand that when someone corrects you, they are actually helping you learn. I know many folks who get defensive when they're corrected or become overly apologetic. You don't need to do either. Just go back, change the pronoun, and move on. A small "thanks for catching that" is always appreciated. Again, the focus should be on respecting your trans person not on feeling guilty for making mistakes. Graciousness goes a long way.

Correcting others

For a lot of trans folks, it can feel uncomfortable having to advocate for themselves. It's exhausting. As an ally, you should correct other people too. I will note that people vary when it comes to preferences around correcting folks who've misgendered them. It can be helpful to check to see if the person is out to others so you don't accidentally put them in a bad situation. But as a rule of thumb, when you're around folks who already know them as trans misgendering someone shouldn't slide. You don't need to make a big deal of it, you certainly don't have to attack the person, a simple correction is perfectly appropriate. Everyone has different preferences for how they like to correct others, I simply say the correct on right on top, to give the person the chance to correct it immediately, others prefer not to interrupt. Holding each other accountable is a good way to learn. Again, this isn't a pissing contest about who fucks up the most. We're all trying to be better people towards our trans friends.

I personally like to have one close person who I practice with when someone comes out. We are very deliberate about correcting each other right after, to help both of us retrain our brains. It's easier when we're all in it together. If your family member or friend comes out, it can be super helpful to ask someone who knows them to be your accountability buddy. Don't be shy about admitting it's taking you a second to get it right, you just don't need to put that burden on the person themselves.

I will make a note that some folks are blatantly not trying, being violently disrespectful, or just spreading transphobic bullshit. If you have someone like that in your group, it's time to have an intervention. Your trans person does not and should not be part of that interaction. It can be very psychologically distressing to endure transphobia. Make it clear that kind of behavior isn't acceptable. Creating a world where trans people are safe requires the active participation of cis folks and it's up to you to speak up when someone is being a total butthole.

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