How To Be Sex-Positive
Transcript:
This first episode will focus on introducing concepts of sex-positivity. The concepts of sex positivity form the backbone of everything we discuss on this podcast so we’re going to define what that means for you. Reading: Pleasure Activism by Adrienne Maree Brown. You can find the link to all the resources mentioned in the show notes.
Today I want to start by answering the question: What is sex positivity? To get us started let me give you a simple definition. Sex positivity is A philosophy that respects each person's fundamental right to experience their version of enthusiastic and consensual pleasure. Notice that there are three aspects to this definition: the right to experience, their version, and consensual pleasure. In other words: choice, diversity, and consent. Those are the three main aspects that we will be focusing on today. We’ll also be discussing what sex positivity ISN’T and what counts as sex negativity.
Let’s go back to those three aspects: choice, diversity, and consent. I want to break them down a bit more. I’ll start with Choice: • Sex positivity doesn’t mean you HAVE to have sex. In fact, asexual people can be sex+ while not experiencing sexual attraction. When we talk about choice, we acknowledge that also includes the choice NOT to do something. Those of us who DO want to have sex are called allosexual. Regardless of where you fall on the ace to allo spectrum, you can be sex-positive if you give yourself and others the ability to choose. The choice is also intricately linked with the concept of bodily autonomy, the notion that we get to choose what does or does not happen to us. We’ll talk about consent here in a second, but the important concept to grasp is that sex should never be done to another person who didn’t choose to engage.
Second, we look at diversity. Sex positivity doesn't dictate what TYPE of sex you have. Cis heteronormativity, the idea that everyone must identify with the gender they were assigned at birth and partner with a human of the opposite assignment in a monogamous long-term relationship dictates a lot of our current understanding of sexuality. Being sex-positive means breaking free from those constraints by acknowledging that gender identity and sexual orientation as well as preferences range beyond simplified binary constructs. Cis heteronormativity has long controlled the narrative of sex, teaching us all that sex should only include P-in-V penetration between cisgender people of the opposite biological sex. As mentioned, this construct fails to recognize almost every other form of sexual pleasure that humans can experience. Sex positivity aims to validate the diversity in pleasure from person to person. It focuses on how individuals experience pleasure that is unique to them and their pals and evolving over time. Basically, sex is more than straight missionary, and we want to look at all the other possible ways to share pleasure! Focusing only on vanilla monogamous cisgender heterosexual white able male sexuality erases all variability, and we want more options!
Lastly, let’s look at consent. Consent goes hand in hand with choice, but while choice focuses on you as an individual, consent happens between two or more people. Essentially it is the permission you exchange with others to engage in pleasure. Consent usually involves EVC (explicit verbal consent), the practice of asking someone specifically if you can do something to them. Like “Can I kiss you?” And waiting for the person to respond with an enthusiastic “yes” before proceeding. And NVC (nonverbal consent), is the practice of observing body language, facial expressions, and vocal inflections to understand whether or not the person is comfortable and wants to continue. Consent is largely linked with self-differentiation and empathy. Self-differentiation means you know where you begin and end as well as where your pals begin and end. You understand your bodily autonomy and respect that of others. Sex positivity requires that all sex or intimate acts be performed consensually. Sexual violence or other forms of physical oppression do not count as pleasure because they are by definition non-consensual. Any act that cannot be performed with consent shouldn’t be done. That includes having sex with minors, folks who are under the influence, folks who are incapacitated, or folks who’ve been coerced or manipulated. Sex positivity fights for everyone’s right to have consensual intimacy and to dismantle rape culture that promotes male entitlement over female bodies.
Next, I want to talk about Dismantling sex-negative cultures
First, What’s sex negativity?
Sex negativity doesn’t necessarily mean that people are against sex. It means that sex is being framed in a rigid, moralistic, singular, obligatory way. Sex negativity basically presents as the opposite of choice, diversity, and consent. Unfortunately, most of us, whether we fully realize it or not, grew up in a sex-negative culture.
We can see this in the way that sex is usually only shown as Penis in vagina sex between cis people in committed relationships. What’s important to understand about sex negativity is that it’s rooted in oppressive systems of domination. For those of you who are unfamiliar, the branches of oppression include Patriarchy, White supremacy, Capitalism, and Ableism. Under those categories, we find misogyny, heteronormativity, colorism, fatphobia, classism, etc. By removing individual choice and homogenizing what sex must look like for all people, pleasure is able to be controlled by systems of power, mainly rich cishet white men.
Another large feature of sex negativity is general queerphobia and Transphobia. Again, any form of non-normative sexual expression is either erased or condemned. Sex-negative cultures also reinforce compulsory Monogamy, Ageism, and Ableism. That’s why we rarely see sexual depictions featuring polyamorous disabled older queer couples.
Again, I want to state clearly that Sex negativity is NOT asexuality • As we mentioned earlier, Asexuality is a valid queer orientation that describes folks who generally do not experience pleasure through sexual exchanges or have little sexual attraction. Like all forms of queerness, Everyone experiences asexuality differently - Read: Ace by Angela Chen that has fabulous information on this topic!
Sex negativity shows up in many extremes • Puritan culture • Objectification of cis thin white women • The erasure or vilification of fat, black and brown, disabled, queer, trans bodies • Normalization of non-consensual sex acts • Glorification of rape culture • Pathologizing of BDSM and kink • Whore / Virgin dichotomies • And much much much more! - Unfortunately, most of us are bombarded with sex negativity! It shows up everywhere • Abstinence only until marriage education (AOUM) • Sexualized & pornographic media • Laws that restrict bodily autonomy and sexual expressions • Censorship - We’ll be diving into each topic in-depth as we get further into this show, so if something doesn’t sound familiar make sure you keep following to learn more as we go! For now, these are just things to keep in the back of your head. Sex negativity shows up in a lot of our norms.
I would argue that sex is awesome… and if it feels good, Why are people sex-negative? • My answer is that SHAME AND GUILT are huge motivators - First I want to use Dara Hoffman Fox’s explanation of the difference between shame and guilt. Shame is the feeling of being bad, while guilt is the feeling that you’ve done something bad. Since Most of us were taught to be sex-negative. We learned to be ashamed and feel guilty for the ways we deviated from “normal” sexuality. A lot of us have repressed our true desires if they went outside the scope of cishet vanilla monogamous sex.
I want to pause and acknowledge that It’s hard to break free from giant systems of oppression and being sex-positive requires looking at how these systems are collectively hurting all of us. Because the end of the day, no matter who you are, systems of oppression do not benefit you because they do not benefit us. It’s important to recognize that even if you have the privilege and don’t see a problem with exclusively cishet monogamous vanilla sex it’s undeniable that not everyone has just those desires. And restrictions on our choice, diversity, and consent is bad news. Yet many folks stay stuck in sex-negative cultures. They don’t really know where to turn. It can be hard to find sex-positive content, it can be shameful to even look for this information
How do we embrace sex positivity? I’m not gonna lie, It can be really fucking hard to be sex-positive in a world that’s deeply invested in maintaining oppressive sex-negative culture - What’s the point even? • Adrienne Maree Brown said something about having to make the revolution irresistible. • Sex positivity gives us a way of looking at how we can radicalize our interactions with other humans in healthier ways that challenge huge systems of oppression in which we have litter power • Sex positivity gives us agency in the things we’re able to change: our relationship to pleasure with ourselves and others. That is important. That does make an impact. • Sex positivity makes really engrained systems like rape culture and sexual violence, body shaming, misogyny, etc. seem really unappealing. • It equalizes and brings us together in a shared goal of pleasure which is generative, compassionate, and creative rather than destructive
What’s your responsibility? • I was recently listening to an interview where DJ Fraser talked about “right-sizedness” basically acknowledging the proportionate impact you can have on the world. - Sex negativity as a system is not your individual fault, nor is it anyone’s - But each of us has the ability to recognize the ways we’ve internalized sex negativity - We have the individual burden to take responsibility for how we impact others with our unaddressed sex negativity. We’re all works in progress and none of us are required (or able) to be perfect - We cannot change entire century-old systems, we can’t even realistically change others, HOWEVER, we can change ourselves and that starts with education.
What can you do? - You’re doing it!!! Congratulations on making it this far!! • If you’re listening then you’re already on your way! You’ve taken the personal responsibility to educate yourself, and that’s fantastic - NEXT, Encourage others to also seek out education! • “We don’t know what we don’t know” • A lot of us don’t recognize that we need to learn about sexuality, relationships, queerness, and beyond. For a lot of folks, they’ve never questioned the norms. It’s not their fault. • Being non-judgmental and curious is my favorite way to engage in education - Be honest with yourself • Learning about sexuality isn’t like taking a math class. It’s learning about yourself. There’s not an objective answer to how everyone experiences sexuality. No one can tell you everything about yourself. That discovery is in your hands. The more you take the time to learn about who you are, what you like, and what feels pleasurable to you, the easier it is to share that sex positivity with others. • this work also requires you to Be honest about your limits. Even if that means saying “I’m too uncomfortable to engage with this yet.” We’re all at different points in our learning and it’s ok wherever you are • Be honest about your desires. I’ll be focusing a lot on non-judgment and that especially means with yourself! Most of us are so hard on ourselves. We need to stop. Learning radical self-love goes hand in hand with embracing sex positivity. - Lastly, talk to your pals! Whether that’s your lover, your nesting partners, your friends, family, community. Start discussion! • Part of embracing sex positivity is dismantling our shame and guilt around sexuality. • The people who we are having sex with should be the people who we can talk about sex to! • I love talking to my friends, pals, partners, and people about sex. I learn most from them!
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