Touch Yourself! Masturbation & Self-Pleasure
Transcript:
Today we’re talking about self-pleasure! We will discuss why so many of us stick to a single masturbation routine and how we can spice things up… with ourselves. We’ll discuss some ways you can bust masturbation shame. After all, pleasure isn’t just a partnered endeavor. I believe that I'm my primary sex partner and I'll teach you how to view yourself that way too! Comprehensive sex education starts off with your relationship with your body.
First a quick note on language!
As we start to talk about the functions of sex, I’ll mostly be discussing my personal experiences as well as the occasional stories folks have shared with me during peer support calls. I’m primarily describing vulvas and genderqueer femmes since that reflects my identity. However, most of the concepts we talk about apply to anyone regardless of anatomy and gender identity. As Emily Nagoski says, we all have the “same parts arranged differently,” so feel free to explore these ideas yourself and see what does and doesn’t work for you.
I also want to mention that it’s ok if you feel uncomfortable discussing or even thinking about masturbation. A lot of people do. Especially those of us who were socialized as females, we’ve been told many times by our culture that we aren’t supposed to masturbate or that female masturbation doesn’t exist in the first place. Obviously, that’s not true. And while the cultural attitude towards male masturbation is far more lenient but that doesn’t mean it’s positive or healthy either. So regardless of who you are, it’s ok if you’re just coming to terms with the idea that self-pleasure is good. We’ll get into some shame-busting tips later on. But for now, I recommend that you think about experiences of pleasure if masturbation feels too uncomfortable. I always prefer people approach these topics in ways that feel accessible to them rather than disengage completely. Ok, let’s keep going~!
I’d love for you to take a minute to pause this podcast and reflect on How You Learned To Masturbate. [pause] Did anyone tell you about masturbation? Did you discover it on your own? How old were you? Did you like it? Did anyone tell you it was good? Bad? Now everyone’s experience will differ. And it’s normal for folks to start masturbating at different ages. However, it’s important to note that many young kids organically discover to masturbate. Elementary school kids can experience genital pleasure without having developed “sexually significant” contexts. That means they can tell their body feels good but usually don’t have sexual associations until after puberty. Regardless of how you learned, those first experiences with masturbation have a long-lasting impact on our sexual development.
I recently chatted with Jasmine and Mo from Parenting is Political to discuss how they bring up uncomfortable topics, such as sex, with their kids. I loved the openness with which they discuss sex, including masturbation with their kids.
Talking openly with children about pleasure and masturbation can help them overcome some of the shame and guilt that is often present in our dominant culture. Offering resources, reassurance, and even lube can reinforce that masturbation is good and that children deserve to develop a positive relationship with their bodies.
These ideas might seem radical, especially if you come from a conservative or religious background. However, it’s useful to remember that fostering a healthy relationship with your own body in childhood can actually delay the age at which teens have sex. Rather than relying on others to receive physical gratification, folks learn that they can be a source of their own pleasure. Masturbation also allows people to discover their preferences rather than relying on partners to define them for them. While many parents shy away from conversations about masturbation or discourage their kids from touching themselves, in the hopes of protecting their children, there’s a good chance it has the opposite effect.
Anyways, let’s move on to your teen years… as you get older, you develop “sexually significant” contexts. You start mentally associating masturbation with sexual pleasure rather than the physical alone. It’s around our teens that we learn about our turn-ons and turn-offs. Obviously, these change as we age, however many preferences are rooted in these first experiences of linking physical pleasure to mental arousal. Peers, porn, and media expose us to different sexual stimuli and inform how we make sense of our sexual selves. Lots of us develop go-to masturbation routines including fantasies, ludic factors, and techniques. I’d love for you to take a minute to think about your earliest memories of porn. Where did you find it? How did it make you feel? What do you remember about it? How did you and your peers talk about sex as teens? As we move on, I hope that you’re starting to question how these early experiences impacted your current relationship with masturbation!
By the time we’re adults, we’re often stuck in our routines. If you know what works, it can be hard to find the motivation to do something completely different. Many of us rush through masturbation, focusing on climaxing as quickly as possible, that’s if we masturbate at all. The other thing that often happens is that we start relying on others for sex. Partners can take priority over masturbation. There tends to be a lot of stigma around masturbation even among adults who have really fulfilling sex lives. There’s a belief that masturbation “competes” with partnered sex or otherwise takes away from shared sex life. Obviously, that’s not the case for everyone, however, many folks who are in compulsory monogamous relationships require sexual exclusivity which means no other sexual experiences including with themselves. I will also highlight that this attitude also seeps with gender-norms and there is far more stigma around women in straight relationships masturbating. Partners may also not be able to find enough time apart to masturbate. Life stress can interfere with masturbation. There are so many distractions, obligations, and other factors that compete with making time to masturbate. Self-pleasure can easily be de-prioritized or undervalued as we “grow up”
Next, let's get into some myths about masturbation. The boy is there a lot of CULTURAL SHAME!!!! Promise I won’t get too much in this today! But y’all know how much our sex-negative society creates taboos around masturbation. There are so many myths and falsehoods that we’re taught. Take a moment to think about the common myths around masturbation. Here are some of the problems I've identified: Phallic-centric ideology of sex impacts how we see masturbation. Masturbation is often treated as “not real sex”. Fingering is often seen as a less legitimate sex act. People have convinced themselves that without partnered penetration masturbation can’t be as fulfilling. Letting go of that mindset is HARD!
It's also engrained in our culture that there's a “right” way to masturbate. Truth is, MASTURBATION DOES NOT HAVE TO BE SEXUAL/ INVOLVE GENITALS!! We don’t have the same bodies so it’s impossible to expect that we’ll all enjoy masturbating the same way. Masturbation that focuses on erotic touch is just as valid. Discovering what works for YOU takes time! What works for you will change and evolve so it’s important to keep exploring. The #1 “secret” people confess to is masturbating on their fronts. Most of us learned to masturbate by grinding on objects so it’s actually a really common technique but there’s a lot of shame around it!
Now that we've unpacked a lot of myths around masturbation, I'd love to chat about how to improve your self-pleasure routine. First, give yourself permission to experience pleasure! Check-in with your body as you’re going. Keep it fun and light. Exploration that’s serious often ends in frustration. Don’t skip the foreplay!!! Changing from goal-oriented masturbation to pleasure-oriented masturbation takes time. So consider the ways that you can make masturbation a priority. Here are a few quick ideas for creating new erotic contexts- take nudes, watch yourself, set the mood, get in a head space for pleasure, etc.
The other thing to consider is whether you're topping or bottoming. We have the notion that topping/ bottoming only happens in partnered sex. But that's not necessarily the case. Honey Bunch and I often talk about this. She feels way more comfortable engaging in self-pleasures in positions that are similar to partnered sex. I'm someone who really enjoys fucking myself on my back, but when I want a change, standing up or rolling onto my front gives me a different feeling. I can get into a top headspace easier when I position myself in ways that I associate with power. So here's something else to consider: What energy do you bring to your masturbation? Do you like being dominant or do you like being submissive? It's always best to masturbate in ways that feel most “authentic” to you
You can also try new Techniques. First, think about timing. Figure out at what pace you want to escalate your masturbation acts. Do you like a slow build-up or does it work best to get right in it? Then you can try edging: get close to orgasm then pull back. Tease yourself and delay your orgasm. Play with the timing of your script. Next, explore movement. Discover what pattern of stimulation works for you! Try to speed up and slow down to see what feels best for you. Accent which parts of your body you pay special attention to. Another aspect to play around with is predictability. Pay attention to whether your body prefers repetitive stimulation (vibrators can be super helpful to achieve that kind of pleasure!) or do you prefer changing it up and placing surprise sensations. Maybe you like a mix of both. Focus on touch texture. Layering is a really interesting concept of using either fabric (underwear, pants, bras, etc) to create a layer between the directness of stimulation or using the folks of skin (labias, clit hoods, foreskins) as a buffer. Maybe you prefer more direct stimulation, or maybe it feels too intense. Orbiting talks about the directionality of your touch. Do you like circles, what direction, and what frequency? And lastly, if you're into penetration, notice what depth, shape, and pressure you enjoy. Do you like fingers inside, toys inside? How deep or how shallow? Do you like the sensation of pulling in and out or do you prefer when something stays in? If you’re interested in learning more about HOW to masturbate with vulvas, head over to OMGyes.com
I hope we got your juices flowing. As always, we aim to provide as much free and accessible content as possible; thanks to the amazing support of our patrons. Head over to our Patreon to support our work and get access to bonus content! If you have any questions or want to chat, please book a peer support session.