Validating queerness in straight-assumed relationships.

I spent many years married to a cis man while discovering my queerness. During most of that time, we both dated other people while considering each other platonic primaries. It was an arrangement that worked well for us, but even so, it was difficult to reconcile the realities of this primary relationship with the assumptions other people made, and I often felt invalidated in both my queerness and polyamory. I now spend my days talking one-on-one with other queer folks in straight-assumed relationships and I've come to understand that my experience was certainly not unique. Lots of people are coming up against the overwhelming amount of assumptions and myths made about queer folks (particularly bisexual women) and struggling to create relationships that go beyond the shallowness of these tropes. I want to talk about some ways that you can feel validated in your queerness while being in straight assumed relationships. 

Straight-passing versus straight-assumed

Let's start with the difference between the terms "straight-passing" and "straight-assumed". Straight-passing refers to the privilege that couples who appear to be in heterosexual pairings receive from the dominant culture, whether intentional or not. I prefer to use the term straight-passing to describe folks who make deliberate decisions to appear straight for reasons of safety, privilege, or otherwise. For example, I was passing as straight by exclusively attending family functions with my primary partner and not mentioning my secondaries, which shielded me from familial scrutiny and criticism. By contrast, the term straight-assumed refers to the erasure of queer folks who are in relationships that mirror heterosexual presentation by others. I use the term straight-assumed to describe people who desire queer recognition but are mistaken as straight due to the gender (or expression) of their partner. For example, I would often feel like an imposter in queer spaces if I was with my primary partner. 

Validation Tip: recognize that sexual orientation is independent of a current partner's gender and that queerness is valid regardless of others' perceptions. You don't have to defend your sexual orientation. Conversely, you also don't have to assume other people's sexual orientation before they disclose it. 

Privilege & erasure 

Unfortunately, privilege and erasure go hand in hand.  By blending in with the dominant culture you are safe but unseen. You can simultaneously benefit from not being subjugated to more overt forms of queer-phobia from straight people through the protection of your relationship appearance while also being the target of exclusion from the queer community or simply lacking recognition. And regardless of whether being perceived as straight is intentional or not, it's not uncommon (and I will add, also unfair) to experience animosity from other queers who do not have passing privilege. After all, privilege as we said is safety, and those who don't have access, have a legitimate reason to be resentful (unfortunately that resentment isn't always aimed in the correct place). Gatekeeping is often a symptom of insecurity around belonging. People who've felt alienated by the dominant culture often feel (sometimes overly) protective of places of belonging and can turn exclusionary as a result. It's also worth noting that there are times when straight people's presence within queer communities makes it feel unsafe for others, and practicing a level of self-awareness as well as ally-ship is ideal. 

Validation Tip: Not all communities are created equal. If you're often excluded or feel unwelcome those are not your people, that goes for both straights and queers. It's useful to find folks who have similar experiences and will accept you for yourself without requiring you to compromise your identity or your relationship.  

Double standards 

Sometimes being queer feels like we're guinea pigs subject to the dominant cultures' unprocessed anxieties around morality and norms. I've had endless conversations with folks claiming to be concerned about my well-being while simultaneously badgering me about my personal life with no intention of understanding. It gets to be exhausting constantly coming out and having to explain, justify, and defend yourself and your relationships. It's hard to break normative scripts, and unfortunately, queers in straight-assumed relationships are constantly defying people's expectations. There's a ton of misunderstanding around bisexuality and pansexuality. There's the assumption that pansexuality is just a phase. The misunderstanding around bisexual folks; they aren't necessarily equally attracted to different genders. Then there's the double standard that bi men are secretly gay, while bi women are secretly straight. I know how easy it can be to just say "fuck it" and not tell other people about your identity. 

Validation Tip: Remember that you don't have to be an educator. I know it can be tempting to teach people about queerness in the hope that they'll understand you better,  but often this places an unjust burden on queers. If they are interested in learning more, education is their responsibility, not yours. Take a break. 

Queer-phobia within the relationship 

There are occasional instances where cishet partners are the ones invalidating your queerness. Speaking from personal experience, my ex-husband initially struggled to understand what it meant for me to realize I was gay, rather than bi. Although he had good intentions and was overall very supportive, sometimes his own insecurities made me doubt the validity of my identity. I hear other folks in non-monogamous relationships dealing with partners trying to enforce OPPS (one penis policies), unicorn hunting, or other queer-phobic practices. It's important to distinguish what's well-intentioned ignorance (and address it!) versus harmful mindsets that reinforce systems of oppression. If your partner doesn't make it safe for you to be queer, it's time to reevaluate how you proceed.

Validation Tip: Feeling valid as queer in a straight-assumed relationship means that you have space to express your queerness within the relationship too. Set an expectation that your partner takes steps to educate themselves about your identity on their own. Loving someone means understanding the responsibility to grow together.  

Being confident in your queerness is ultimately an internal experience that grows over time. Self-assuredness is easier to foster when you find people who support the real you and you're able to set appropriate boundaries with people who don't. Being in a straight-assumed relationship ultimately isn't different: you're queer regardless of who you date. Deciding to be secure in your queerness is possible no matter who you date.  

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