My Petamour From Hell
Listen, we've all had metamours that SUCK. They treat us poorly, stir-up jealousy, murder the love of our life, or whatever else; we can always find a justification for our animosity. In all these situations, somehow it seems like our hinge partner is oblivious to the terrible meta's terribleness. In fact, part of what makes a terrible meta so shitty is that our hinge partner seems to be into them regardless of how many boundaries they cross. Is that jealousy? Perhaps. I might be overreacting a tad, but it's hard to tell. In my case, my terrible meta is a cat. I'll say it right now, I do not like my petamour (for reasons that will be very apparent), but my girlfriend is gaga over her (for reasons that make no sense). And sure, writing a call-out/cancel blog about my girlfriend's cat might seem a little unhinged. But honestly, Bun-Bun deserves to be canceled (she is the one exception). All jokes aside, Bun-Bun is a fur-covered red flag. She exhibits all the key characteristics of a cat and metamour from hell. Let me fill you in...
Things that make Bun-Bun a terrible metamour:
She doesn't express her needs clearly
I mean, she's a cat; so there's a pretty good chance I'm the one who sucks at communicating with her. But from my human perspective, Bun-Bun is either yelling at the crack of dawn or giving me the cold shoulder. Regardless of how much she vocalizes, there's nothing she actually wants. If she asks to go outside, she's let out, she's immediately pissed about being out. If she screams for food, she's given food, she'll pout because it's not the right kind.
There's nothing worse than having to guess what your meta wants, only to find out that they just want the exact opposite of whatever you do. I hear of situations that amount to someone not adjusting to polyam and failing to appropriately communicate that it isn't working out. Folks who don't have the ability to clearly communicate needs often cause a lot of emotional fallouts because they are constantly changing their minds in response to those around them. It sucks being tossed in situations you can't win because your meta actively refuses to see positive outcomes. You feel constantly burnt out trying to figure out what they want to no avail.
Her erratic emotions cause violent outbursts
Bun-Bun is terrified and terrifying. She's overreactive. Teeth are her weapon of choice. She processes stress through violence. It's hard to tell what sets her off, but she'll randomly get agitated and attack. Bun-Bun goes from cuddly to tearing through your flesh in a blink. It makes it incredibly unnerving being around her. Every so often she'll signal she's pissed by flicking her tail, but most of the time, purring turns into biting without warning.
Unpredictability makes polyam way more challenging. That's especially true when a meta's emotions are taking wild turns without explanation. It sucks finding out that you're the target of unprocessed trauma or emotional tantrums. In a lot of cases, metas lash out at each other when they feel discomfort rather than addressing their own insecurities or the instability in their own relationship. It's really challenging to try to develop a relationship with a meta who attacks you.
She's incredibly territorial over my girlfriend
This baby can't overcome her ownership mentality. Bun-Bun gets really irritable when I touch my (correction, HER) girlfriend. She doesn't want to be a pet, she just doesn't want anyone getting close to Honey Bunch. She throws fits when Honey Bunch leaves for work, chasing Mommy, or biting my ankles while I'm at my desk. If I try to play with her to ease her anxiety, she gets more aggressive. When my girlfriend comes home, Bun-Bun follows her around everywhere, making sure that neither Mommy nor I get too close.
It's funny the way jealousy often manifests as territoriality. It seems like some folks go into ENM without ever considering that they will have to share. While certain metas say they have no problem with their pals dating other folks, they lash out after their pals spent time with others or restrict the time that can be spent apart. I understand that folks want to spend time with people they like, but polyam fundamentally doesn't work if one person believes they own their partner. You have to let go of entitlement to all of your pals' time, affection, and energy.
Her relationship with me is hot/cold
This cat drives me wild with her flirting. After all, villains are never pure evil, they must have an appealing side. Bun-Bun is cute. I mean super cute. And she's flirty. Every so often, she'll curl up in my lap unprompted. So I continue hoping for her affection. Those hopes are dashed when she takes a chunk out of my finger.
There's a term for that: breadcrumbing. Some metas will be nice just enough to keep you roped in, then turn cold and withdraw when you become interested. The. back and forth feels bananas. Not knowing where you stand with a person creates a lot of insecurity. It's hard to know how much to invest in a relationship, where to set boundaries, or if you should step back when a person constantly acts differently.
She doesn't know her boundaries
My cat, Mommy, knows exactly what she wants and how to assert herself. She'll show you with her full body how to pet her. She'll let you know if you're doing it wrong by softly redirecting your hand with her teeth. Mommy knows what she wants (for a cat), and she indicates it clearly for the most part. Care-taking for her is super easy. I'm clear on her expectations, needs, as well as dissatisfactions. Bun-Bun is the opposite. She seems to have no idea who she is or how she wants to be interacted with.
Having a strong sense of self is actually a pretty good indicator of maintaining polyam. I find that the folks who struggle the most with ENM, are those who can't name their needs, set reactive boundaries, and refuse to address their emotions. Unfortunately, many folks don't know how to do any of those things. Compulsory monogamy doesn't encourage self-differentiation or conversation about boundaries so lots of people are doing this for the first time when they open. These are all skills you have to learn, and people generally suck at it when they start off. That's why we have so many workbooks available on those topics! Metas who refuse to do work to learn those skills continue to replicate the same patterns of hurt. It's one thing to be a beginner who's still learning, it's another to insist that you don't need to learn or refuse self-growth.
She tramples our boundaries
Bun-Bun can't tell when to stop. I'll give you an example: I used to try to play with her in the morning after Honey Bunch leaves to reduce her anxiety. Instead of playing with the toys that I have for her, she bites my legs, playfully at first, I tell her no calmly and try to redirect her back to the toys. She ignores me. She gets amped up and violently scratches my leg with her whole body wrapped around me so she can use maximum claws and teeth. I continue saying no. She doesn't stop. At some point, I have to physically shake her off. She still won't stop and relentlessly goes after my feet. I eventually have to put her in a room alone. Now I just send her outside in the morning. She attacks the neighbor's cat. It's a lose-lose.
It's really tough having a meta who is unable to respect the boundaries you've set. While boundaries are self-directed ("I will..."), being in a relationship with any human means understanding and respecting them. To use my example above, my boundary is, "I will play with you using a toy, I will not play with you if you scratch my legs." That boundary sets a clear directive as well as a consequence. That boundary is explaining what I'm willing to put up with. Unfortunately, many people don't know how to accept other'’ boundaries. They get defensive, angry, or defiant when a boundary is set. Instead of seeing boundaries as healthy ways to maintain respectful relationships, they see boundaries as personal attacks. This isn't conducive to having good meta relationships.
She's always in a scarcity mindset
Part of my frustration with the situation is that she literally has everything she wants in the world. We've followed all the blogs talking about reducing cat anxiety and aggression, and we've modified our house for her to become acclimated, but nothing seems to be good enough. We spoil the shit out of our cats. We're deliberately child-free, and our furry friends get everything they could hope for and more. There are plenty of food bowls, water, and toys, they have access to a fenced-in backyard, beds, and whatever they need they have. Still, Bun-Bun is always trying to hoard resources and stake her territory.
A lot of ENM folks get stuck in false scarcity. I blame it on our capitalist definition of love. Many of us see love as a limited noun that we must possess and guard rather than an abundant verb that grows with practice (read bell hooks for more about this). Metas often see other relationships as direct competition. When you view your pal as a limited resource it can be easy to justify unsavory behavior as a means to securing your ends.
She killed my cat
Obviously, this is the main reason I hate Bun-Bun's guts. To keep this tale of woe short, Bun-Bun bullied my cat, Danny, to death. When my girlfriend moved in, Bun-Bun immediately went after Danny. She wouldn't let him use any of the five litter boxes, she constantly attacked him, and the stress was all too much for him. This caused months of tension resulting in his death from kidney failure. I'm not gonna point fingers, but let's just say I still have very strong feelings about the situation, both towards my girlfriend and her cat. We're working on it in therapy. Dr. Liz (along with everyone else in the world) thinks we should re-home Bun-Bun, but as I said, Honey Bunch is unexplainably attached to the cat. I think I'm more likely to get re-homed if it comes down to that. In an attempt to appease me and smooth meta relationships, my girlfriend allowed me to rename Willy to Bun-Bun (as a constant reminder that if she doesn't behave, I will trade her in for a giant flemish rabbit). I'm working on my intense feelings of resentment, but it's a slow process because Bun-Bun is actually terrible.
I think it's safe to say that if your meta murders your pal or cat, it might be time to reconsider that relationship. If your meta does sometimes unforgivably fucked up, it's really hard to come back. Sometimes reconciliation isn't possible. It's not your burden to try to be friends with someone who's done something messed up. You shouldn't feel obligated to have a relationship, especially after a catastrophic event. However, it's a good idea to consider how removing yourself will impact your shared partner. You might run the risk of being re-homed instead of the petamour...
Obviously, the whole story isn't just about how much I hate my petamour. Bun-Bun and I have been working on our relationship since Danny passed and it’s slowly getting better. Vetoing her has always (sort of) been out of the question, just like vetoing metamours isn't an option for me. Improving connections is a lot of work, especially with non-human metas, but ultimately it's necessary if you want to maintain your (human) relationships. My partner finally agreed to get Bun-Bun on some anxiety drugs after the situation got out of control, and it’s been helping a lot. It’s a good reminder that many times, what seems to be out-of-control aggression is just displaced fear. Bun-Bun needs to feel safe and calm in order to be less reactive, and in our case, meds have worked wonders. She’s stopped biting me randomly, and we’ve been able to learn to play together without her tearing my fingers off. She’s even had her occasional cuddly moments. I want to end on a positive note and remind everyone who’s dealing with difficult metas, that change is possible. However, waiting for improvements while enduring abuse is not. If you need some help, please reach out to us and we’ll be happy to chat with you!
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