Personal Freedom in Ethical Non-Monogamy
One of the complex parts of being non-monogamous is understanding how to balance our personal freedom and our responsibility to our relationship. This balance can take time to understand. Often our first experience confronting the tension between self and relationship occurs when we’re alone while our pals are on dates with other people. These situations are common and uncomfortable; they force us to confront our inherent separateness from our partners. They bring up questions about how we regulate our emotions, what our pals owe us, and how we utilize our personal freedom to our benefit. For those who have been in a relationship for a long time (maybe even since high school or college), it can be complicated to feel secure and happy when our partners leave us and we’re stuck home alone having to deal with our spicy emotions. Developing a more profound sense of personal freedom and autonomy can be helpful in reducing the distress we might experience when our pals are on dates and we aren’t. The first step is understanding the degree to which we allow ourselves to fully acknowledge and meet our needs.
Let’s start with some reflections on the meaning of personal freedom. I want you to think about times when you’re alone. Think about the ways you give yourself permission to act based on your needs, desires, and moral integrity. REALLY think about each question. Don't answer with just a gut reaction, I want to know your reasoning for doing or not doing certain things. Tell me, what do you do when you're alone that's different than when you're with other people...
Do you move your body freely?
Do you roll your shoulders or neck when they feel tight?
Do you shake out your legs?
Do you stretch deeply?
Do you roll on the floor?
Do you stand up whenever you feel the need?
Do you walk around, even if it's pointless?
Do you lounge around just because?
Do you wiggle out your toes?
Do you dance spontaneously?
Do you whistle to yourself?
Do you run your fingers through your hair?
Do you touch yourself just to feel exactly how your body feels?
Do you feel for real?
Do you scream if you have to?
Do you let yourself cry? Ugly cry?
Do you take really deep breaths?
Do you let out giant exhales?
Do you laugh out?
Do you let yourself feel anxious?
Do you acknowledge when you feel overwhelmed?
Do you take a nap when you're tired?
Do you experience pleasure freely?
Do you masturbate however currently feels best?
Do you look at yourself naked in the mirror?
Do you eat foods that taste incredible and really savor each bite?
Do you use sex toys that you actually like?
Do you let yourself make noise when you masturbate?
Do you watch porn?
Do you caress yourself?
Do you celebrate?
Do you allow yourself to think freely?
Do you talk out loud to yourself?
Do you entertain thoughts that you wouldn't say out loud?
Do you fantasize about things you know others wouldn't approve of?
Do you have secrets?
Do you write down your thoughts?
Do you debate yourself about things that are hard to understand?
Do you ruminate on past arguments and think about what you would have said differently?
Do you think dirty thoughts?
Do you speak to yourself when you masturbate?
Do you transgress social norms?
Do you wear clothes that aren't "for" you?
Do you wander off the trail into the woods?
Do you go places you shouldn't?
Do you ignore warning signs?
Do you break certain laws?
Do you hurt yourself in ways that feel good?
Do you break things?
Do you vandalize?
Do you use drugs that make you feel better?
Now take a look at your answers, what do you notice? Do you tend to feel comfortable or insecure when you’re by yourself? I want you to really analyze the differences of being alone and being around other people. I suspect that all of us act in certain ways that are completely our own when we're by ourselves, behaviors that we don't show even those closest to us. I also think these alone behaviors range between individuals. I would imagine that some people feel incredibly uncomfortable doing certain things that others consider totally normal when they're alone. I'd also guess that many people are so bound by socialized shame that they wouldn't dare to behave in ways that would seem even mildly transgressive. Unfortunately, I'm under the impression that many people don't feel like they're able to ever be truly themselves, because they are watching themselves, judging based on the norms and rules they've been socially taught. I'm speculating but curious about what you do when you're alone and how those things shape your existence.
The reason I bring all of this up is that I’ve found that my peer support clients who have the hardest time being themselves when they’re alone, tend to struggle the most when their pals are on dates with others. They have a harder time moving through the discomfort associated with jealousy. Whereas folks who tend to be less inhibited might give themselves more permission to cry, scream, shake, dance, and otherwise express their emotions. The ability to get in touch with your needs allows you to vent out some of your negative body feelings which can help you move through emotional discomfort.
Going back to personal freedom… one thing that also tends to happen when we get in touch with our needs and desires is that we often end up discovering our moral integrity. The more I give myself permission to be myself, the more I learn about how I want to behave and be treated by others. When I'm entirely free to do what I want, I also find out what I don't want to do; not based on what I'm told, but simply based on what feels important and real to me. I can test my freedom by playing out theoretical scenarios in my head. For example, when I give myself permission to do anything to resolve my emotional discomfort, I tend to lay on the floor and stretch, I massage my body where I notice painful sensations, I’m allowed to cry, I feel more in touch with the connection between my emotions and physical experience. I discover what I value by listening to what I need. That’s not to say I’ll always make the right choices. I might think that I need to call my pal two dozen times because I’m feeling spicy, but I quickly learn that this way of behaving does very little to soothe my pain and actually strains my relationship. I find ways that are more effective, being alone with my thoughts helps me process all of this.
Asserting my personal freedom when I'm alone and my pal is on a date allows me to know myself more deeply. I discover my needs and this helps me feel more confident in my abilities to take care of myself. When you really look at yourself with the deepest compassion and respect, especially as you’re experiencing emotions that might be considered shameful or ugly, you start to change your relationship to jealousy. The next time you’re alone practice sitting with your discomfort, doing whatever weird shit you need to give yourself a feeling of relief or joy. Wiggle your toes, roll your shoulders, drink a glass of wine, cuddle with your fluffy cat, and take a nap in the middle of the afternoon. You are good. You are okay. You will survive. Even if your worse fears about your relationship come true, you will be alright. You can take care of yourself. You can do whatever you want.
Jealousy turns into a shit show when we hold in our rage. When we try to logic our way out of anger rather than attending to our needs, our discomfort and insecurities build. Jealousy doesn’t go away but it is far easier to manage when we love ourselves deeply. Self-love feels good and it starts by understanding and asserting our personal freedoms. When I think of being free from jealousy, I think of relaxing deeply. So when I experience those negative emotions pop up, I remind myself to start by not restricting my behavior. I remind myself that I’m okay and I give myself permission to seek release from whatever negativity I’m experiencing. I hope you try it too next time.
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