Different Types of Consent
Consent is the practice of choosing to engage or not. Consent applies to all touch, physical intimacy, and emotional intimacy. Consent is ongoing and reversible. Understanding and respecting consent practices makes you a safe person to be around. Ignoring consent, manipulating pals, or coercing folks to engage with you makes you dangerous and unsavory to be around. I said it. Unfortunately, consent is not something that our culture reinforces so many people still maintain that it’s unnecessary. Other folks have the desire to create security by embracing consent but don’t necessarily know how. Here are a few principles and consent basics to incorporate into your everyday life.
Explicit Verbal Consent (EVC)
EVC is the type of consent you’ve probably heard of. It’s the practice of directly asking someone if you can engage with them in a specific way. EVC forms the basis of most interactions. You can use EVC to ask pals whether you can hug, kiss, or touch them. You can use EVC to create trigger plans and scene negotiations. And you can use EVC to ask pals if they are able and willing to have a certain conversation with you. EVC also serves as a check-in if situations appear ambiguous, you’re dealing with unfamiliar people or new pals, or you want to initiate a new type of interaction.
“Is it OK if I…”
Non-Verbal Consent (NVC)
NVC (not to be confused with non-violent communication, although this is also important) is the practice of gauging body language and facial expressions to determine if it’s appropriate or not to engage with someone. NVC does not replace EVC but rather works in tandem. When you can tell that pals are relaxed, at ease, and eager for physical touch and you’ve already checked in, you can use NVC rather than continuing to ask if it’s ok to proceed. However, if you pick up on hesitation, ambiguity, uncertainty, or lack of enthusiasm then it’s important to have a verbal check-in, and reestablish clear consent, rather than assuming you can proceed. People have different abilities to pick up on non-verbal cues, and it’s not good enough to only rely on NVC to avoid asking direct questions. Again, both forms of consent should be used together.
Noticing body language and facial expressions
Bodily Autonomy
Bodily autonomy simply means that each person has the fundamental right to determine what does or does not happen to them. Respecting bodily autonomy creates the foundation for good consent practices. Recognize that you (and only you) get to decide what feels good and what doesn’t. Extend that same right to every other person you meet. You might really need a hug, but the person standing in front of you might really not want to hug you, they have the right to determine what happens to them. Ask if you can hug, and recognize that if they say no you should not touch them, instead you can ask someone else.
Consensual Non-Consent (CNC)
I teach sexxx education from a kink-affirming perspective so let’s touch on consensual non-consent. CNC is a practice in BDSM where folks PLAY with the illusion of non-consent. Huge emphasis on PLAY. It may sound like an oxymoron but here’s how it works: pals will negotiate a scene that specifies what will and will not happen between them beforehand. Everyone involved has equal decision-making power in negotiations. During this process, folks will agree to participate in acts that APPEAR non-consensual. For example: abduction scenes, R*pe fantasies, or other plays where “no” actually does mean “yes”. Folks establish safewords (stop-light system: red means stop and yellow means slow down or pause) in case a scene feels uncomfortable to ensure that consent is always able to be re-established. Non-consent only occurs within the confines of the agreed scene and does not extend out to the relationship dynamic. CNC can be fun for some people because it allows them to play with unequal power dynamics, and explore situations where they are taken advantage of or where they exert dominance over others, all while playing safely. CNC only works when every single person is onboard. CNC is absolutely not an excuse for abusive behavior. If you’re interested in learning more about this topic, check out Bound Together.
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