Directing Change In Polyamory
Being polyam can make change overwhelming. Learning how to brace for change is a critical skill to develop.
Change is inevitable
Let’s start with what I can promise you with full certainty: change will happen. Change can be really daunting. Many couples call me torn between wanting to open their relationship and trying to preserve everything as is. I don’t want to be a bad news bear but that’s not realistic. There’s change everywhere: you might enter a relationship, shift a structure, end one, take on new pals, meet metas, close up! It doesn’t matter if you’re polyam or monogamous, change will disrupt your relationships and force you to adapt. Learn to accept change and be deliberate with your intentions rather than wasting fruitless effort trying to prevent it. Open yourself to the possibility that change doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I find the change is far scarier when faced with the unknown. Having a clear (or semi-clear) vision about where you want to go can substantially reduce the chaos of change. I’m a relatively anxious creature, I like being in control and knowing what’s going to happen next. For that reason, polyam can be really tricky for me at times. Having multiple pals makes it harder to predict what will happen next. I like to think about two facets, Adaptable and Ritual when discussing the reaction to change. These facets can be applied completely differently based on the person and situation:
Adaptable- means embracing change or uncertainty and being able to flow in a way that continues to value your integrity and the sustainable wellness of the polycule. There are certain conditions- different between people- under which it is easier and harder to be adaptable and in which these traits can be both positive and negative. For example, I really like spontaneity and I’m quite likely to embrace adaptability when my pals suggest a last-minute activity. In polyam, it can be helpful at times to be flexible with schedules. That last-minute adaptability can be a great response to unpredictability in one relationship context but that same trait also means that I have a more frequent tendency to plan last minute which can negatively impact my other relationships. I can embrace adaptability in ways that uplift my relationship and be mindful of ways this trait can be problematic for handling polyam. It’s also really easy for me to be adaptable when it comes to my schedule, but on the other hand, I struggle to embrace that trait when it comes to money. My partner is the opposite. Even if she’s also self-employed, she’s great at being adaptable to fluctuating income. She definitely prefers to schedule activities ahead of time and like advanced notice. It’s great to understand how adaptability plays out differently for both of us because it helps us embrace our best qualities and foster change in places we can improve to be better together. She helps me with budgets so that our personal finances feel more secure which improves our discussions around household finances. I am mindful of giving her notice for scheduling in ways that impact her and she plans last-minute trips to make me happy.
Ritual- means committing to the same stable pattern of behavior in response to change or to minimize change. This trait can be really grounding, especially when so much fluctuates in polyamorous relationships. The interconnectedness of all relationships in a polycule means that change is often outside of your control. The ability to provide or maintain stability in certain relationships when other ones are changing can be crucial to avoid domino effects. Ritual can also present itself negatively as rigidity and a lack of willingness to adapt when unpredictable situations arise. Certain conditions make us want to embrace stability and ritual more than others. For example, when I was experiencing a breakup with one relationship, my other partner simply started implementing a ritual of having coffee and toast each morning together. Her ability to create structure and reliability in our relationship when everything was changing in my other relationship allowed me to help deal with the unpredictable situation without dragging it into ours. However, sometimes disruptions in rituals can create an unpredictable situation that makes it hard to deal with change. For example, I was once trying to stick to a schedule agreed to with my existing partner after introducing a new one. I was counting on my new pal to come over every Wednesday and one week she needed to reschedule to Thursday. This was the day that was agreed to with my existing pal which disrupted our ritual and led to a fight. I like to be thoughtful of how to embrace ritual to positively move through change while being mindful of how sometimes strict adherence can lead to counterproductive resistance to inevitable unpredictability.
The way I’ve learned to combat my fear of change is by making sure I am thoughtful in the ways I can embrace healthy adaptable and ritual facets. I align my goals with this sense of integrity. This way I don’t feel like I will be pushed into change that will be bad for me or that I will regret.
Questions:
How do you handle change?
In what ways would you apply the terms “adaptable” and “ritual” to yourself?
What conditions make it easier for you to be adaptable?
What conditions benefit from your commitment to ritual?
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