Polyamory Lessons from Peer-Support
Ethical non-monogamy isn’t easy. That’s why my career revolves around doing peer-support sessions with folks trying to figure it out. Most of people trying to practice polyamory don’t have the chance to talk to hundreds of other ENM folks, but I do! So here are some of the lessons I’ve learned from my sessions
We all experience similar shit at different times
I talk to lots of folks at various points of their monogamous and polyamorous relationships. Some of them are just opening up, some are closing up, some are breaking up, some are newly single, some are wondering if they should stay together, some folks are trying something completely new, some folks are stuck in the same pattern. Point is, everyone is always in the process of loving and leaving. It’s inevitable that all of us are constantly entering and ending various relationships (romantic, platonic, familial, casual, occasional, professional, temporary, and beyond)! But what’s more interesting is that no matter who I talk to, we all have a fundamental understanding of the joy of being in love (or at least the pleasure of connection) and the pain of no longer being in love (or loss of connection). It’s nice being able to talk to so many people about their personal relationships, it gives me lots of ideas about how everyone experiences their own cycle of loving and leaving.
2. People can be great… but not for you
For the most part, I talk to wonderful people, who are dating wonderful people but still having problems in love. Incompatibility is real. And it’s no one’s fault. My clients often tell me how they’re in different places in life/ wanting different things/ not having compatible expectations with the people they’re trying to date. After listening to people tell me their side, and pals’ side, I really come to the conclusion that (for the most part) no one is right or wrong: just different. Take this one example: she wants her girlfriend to live with her because it signifies the next big step in their relationship, her girlfriend lives with her child and platonic co-parent and is afraid of disrupting the family dynamic. Everyone is absolutely entitled to wanting what they do, as well as refusing what their pal wants. It’s complicated. End of the day, everyone can be wonderful, kind, loving, and supportive and still have completely different needs/desires/expectations/etc. Though it’s no one’s fault, some incompatibility is too big to surmount.
3. The only cure to jealousy is trust
#1 question I get: how do I make my jealousy go away? After talking to over four hundred people about how they manage their jealousy my only answer is: with trust. Listen, we can talk about building self-confidence, emotional management (self-soothing), therapy, communication, etc. all of those things are VITAL in dealing with jealousy. But to make it “go away” (if that’s even possible), you need to trust your partner. Folks who are the most successful at dealing with and experiencing relatively infrequent jealousy are the ones who’ve anchored their relationships (and polycule) in radical honesty and trust. By building a strong foundation, continuing to show up for their partner, and having reciprocity I’ve seen couples who feel very grounded and able to embrace the abundance that polyamory can offer. By contrast, couples who omit details, have shoddy communication, violate each other’s boundaries, and fail to show up for one another really tend to struggle to establish trust. That lack then turns to insecurity and jealousy (naturally).
4. Everyone has insecurities, it’s ok to talk about it
On the subject of insecurities: everyone, I mean everyone, has them. How could we not? Look at the messaging we receive from media/society. It’s designed to make us feel insecure. I hear stories from couples who hide their own insecurities and invalidate their pals. Folks who refuse to acknowledge the core of their jealousy often struggle more than couples who are in the habit of talking about it. I’ve learned from all these calls to not judge my pal’s insecurities while also minimizing the intensity of their emotions by providing tangible support or reassurance they request. When I’m feeling insecure, I’ve learned to tell my pal about it without putting the responsibility on them to “fix” it for me. Pretending everything is ok when it’s not, doesn’t lead to great results in my, or your, experience apparently.
5. Compulsory monogamy really is a bitch to unlearn
Fuck that! It is H A R D to unlearn decades of conditioning. By the time we’re dating, we’ve been inundated with compmono bullshit. And it sticks with us. Everything from pressure to hop on the relationship escalator, jealousy rooted in ownership narratives, competitiveness, and abusive behavior all stem from compmono conditioning. And it takes so much work to unlearn. Not only does it take so much work, but even if you do the work, you’re still forced to live in a society of people who HAVEN’T done the work and will continue to reinforce the bullshit you’ve tried so hard to unlearn. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. You’re exhausted. I’ve learned that it’s vital to take a break from time to time. The work can’t happen if you’re too depleted.
6. No one is perfect but everyone is trying hard.
It’s incredible how hopeful my peer-support sessions tend to be. Even though the majority of people call me wanting to chat about the issues they’re facing in their relationship: they all call me because they want tools to do better. Wow, that is super fucking inspiring! It’s so uplifting to hear all the love, time, energy, compassion, and resilience everyone is willing to pour into their relationships. End of the day, I really believe that everyone I talk to is trying their hardest to succeed, and in a world that’s taught us that love isn’t always great, it sure feels hopeful.
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