The Secret Link Between Satisfaction & Jealousy

New insights on managing irrational jealousy in polyamory and ethical non-monogamy that focuses on satisfaction to get around scarcity mindsets.

Jealousy is a bitch to deal with…

Listen, it’s no secret that jealousy makes me (and most of you from what I’ve gathered) a lunatic. I hate the spicy feeling in my stomach. I hate that I (seemingly) have no control over those emotions. I hate that these intense emotions pop up unexpectedly... But mostly, I hate that my jealousy hinders my capacity to be the kind and compassionate partner I want to be. It’s also a nearly inevitable part of being polyam. And I know that jealousy (or the fear of it) is usually the #1 deterrent for folks to practice ENM. There’s also not one miracle to curing jealousy, and certainly, management techniques don’t apply across the board to everyone. We’re all unique, and dealing with jealousy requires a plethora of strategies… But I have made a breakthrough in dealing with my particular type of jealousy. For me, the key is: satisfaction.

Why is irrational jealousy such a problem in ENM?

My first introduction to jealousy management was using The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola. It’s an awesome book and I highly recommend you pick up a copy if you haven’t yet. She gives a good explanation of why jealousy is so common in non-monogamous relationships, “Each partner is agreeing to the unpredictability, stress, time pressures, complications, and insecurities of adding outside relationships to an existing relationship.” And she’s right! A lot of jealousy stems from the fact that we haven’t been given any other relationship structure option except for toxic compulsory monogamy. Most of us struggle to balance the benefits ENM can offer and the nagging voice in the back of our heads telling us that we need to be jealous of our metamours.

In the book, Labriola talks about the difference between rational and irrational jealousy. This lens mirrors exactly what I’ve heard from all of you during peer support sessions. Rational jealousy usually comes from neglect or a pal failing to meet your needs/ not showing up honestly to a relationship. I’ll address rational jealousy in a future post, I have thoughts on it too! Today, I want to focus on the latter, irrational jealousy. This is the form of jealousy I struggle with the most frequently. Irrational jealousy is also where the concept of satisfaction can really work miracles.

How I personally experience jealousy

My pals, exes, and I all experience jealousy really differently. I recently saw this note I’d written over two years ago in The Jealousy Workbook when I went through it with an ex: “My jealousy comes from my imagination (fucking Pisces), your jealousy comes from your ego (fucking Leo).” Accurate. I’ve always struggled to keep my imagination in check, and it often fuels my jealousy in completely unproductive, irrational, and downright wrong ways. I know this. It’s important to understand that irrationality doesn’t make the experience of jealousy any less valid.

For me, the experience of jealousy is really grounded in the imaginary fear of loss and abandonment. I worry, despite my pals’ reassurance (why it’s irrational), that I will not be enough and they will cease to want to meet my needs. Even when all signs point to the contrary, my current girlfriend is the most grounded and trustworthy person, I find myself having tinges of unpredictable anxiety. I’ve been practicing management long enough now that I’m able to self-soothe far better than I used to. I’m mindful that my emotions are transient and don’t need to impact my behavior. Although it’s hard to always be conscientious and not let my jealousy take over (I’m human, fuck). Though to my great relief, those moments of anxiety continue to subside. Here’s how…

Pleasure Activism and the concept of “satisfaction”

When I first read Pleasure Activism by Adrienne Maree Brown, one thing, in particular, stuck with me, “So many of us have been trained into the delusion that we must accumulate excess”. This notion was very enlightening in the ways that I’ve been experiencing jealousy. She continues, “Rather than encouraging moderation over and over, I want to ask you to relinquish your own longing for excess and to stay mindful of your relationship to enough.” Now, I know that the context in which this was written wasn’t specifically about polyamory, but it’s really applicable. I started noticing how often I wanted excess instead of satisfaction in my relationships.

I gave myself the first goal of being more aware. I tried to understand why I wanted to covet more of my pal’s time, energy, and affection than what I needed. I realized that I'd learned to love in a way that was greedy (blame it on toxic monogamy among other things) which led me to feel perpetually unfulfilled. When I took the time to realize that the sum of my polycule beyond exceeded my needs, I was finally able to let go of the jealousy I was experiencing in specific relationships. I had failed to recognize the abundance in my polycule due to the delusion that I always needed more. Once I shifted my perspective, I realized that when I live in abundance, I absolutely do not need to withhold the extra from someone else. That’s the first step to dismantling competition and addressing jealousy structurally.

Defining satisfaction

Satisfaction, as I now understand it, is the state of sustainable happiness. Satisfaction means that my needs are optimized to give me as much happiness without overindulging in a way that leads me to want more and therefore feel dissatisfied. Or as Adrienne Maree Brown puts it, “excess totally destroys the spiritual experience of pleasure”. Shifting from scarcity to abundance is a personal experience. Let’s keep in mind that just as jealousy presents differently for everyone, so does satisfaction.

I want to put this concretely, I'll only focus on my relationship with time in my polycule, but this applies to everything. Roughly, in a week, I want: to see my partner twice, spend 3 nights with my girlfriend, have at least one night to myself, and save about 5 hours to hang out with my other friends. Great. That's what being FULLY satisfied means to me. Right now, I have access to my pals that far surpasses my threshold of full satisfaction. As I said, I have a realistic abundance in my polycule. With that in mind, there is no point in me getting jealous of my pals for spending any extra time with other people if my needs are met. Now, say my girlfriend could only spend 1 night a week with me, even if I wanted 3, I wouldn't be satisfied... but we're polyam! Instead of focusing on that scarcity, I can unburden my expectations of her and find that satisfaction through a different relationship and continue to subside my jealousy. If I focus only on singular relationships, I miss the overwhelming abundance provided by my entire polycule...

The new age of my jealousy management

In the past, I’ve been so focused on the emotional component of jealousy, I overlooked the mindset change that needed to happen first. Irrational jealousy feeds on scarcity anxiety and encourages competition rather than compersion. By defining satisfaction for myself, I was able to identify the great abundance in my polycule. The need to compete became far less severe once I grounded myself in sustainable happiness. The question that remains in my mind every time I have intrusive jealous thought is now, “nothing is being taken away from me”. Damn, that’s powerful. That feels like a noticeable change in my ability to cope emotionally.

I know that not all of you experience jealousy in this way. That’s why I’ll continue to elaborate on other techniques in the future, because more than anything, I realize that there’s not a singular secret to hacking jealousy. It’s a culmination of strategies, reframing narratives, self-soothing, and communication with your pals. But satisfaction, to me, has been one of the big changes in perspective.

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