Vegan Sex Education

Content Warning: this will be triggering for ~REAL VEGANS~

Disclaimer: being vegan is not possible for everyone. There are plenty of reasons why being vegan makes no practical sense whatsoever and I 100% respect that. If you live in a food desert, for example, acquiring all the necessary foods to make this diet sustainable is unimaginable. I also know that so many people have health restrictions that prohibit this from being a healthy alternative. Again, I want to acknowledge above everything else that being vegan is not objectively superior or the right fit for everyone. If you’re offended that I even propose this as an option, then probably not a good fit for you. I’m only talking to folks who are able and want to consider veganism but struggle with the current framework and prohibitive gatekeeping.

Please also remember that I get literally nothing out of you deciding to be vegan, ultimately it’s your hole and I don’t give a shit what you do with it.

Confession: I’m the type of vegan that ~REAL VEGANS~ don’t think is vegan. I’m super nonchalant about my veganism. Honestly, I’m only writing this to make Honey Bunch happy in the hope she’ll fuck me later (more on that in a second). For the ~REAL VEGANS~ (those that fall into either the ”scary anti-speciesism screaming lunatic” or “organic non-GMO locally grown Karens" camp) here’s a breakdown of my bad vegan qualifications: I think eating meat sucks, especially if it’s a regular habit, so I don’t. But I stand by the fact that clams are basically plants, cheese that’s over $20/lbs is vegan (cause I can’t afford to eat it), and so is poutine (if you’re drunk). If I feel like eating it, I will.

I’m a bad vegan, and this blog is written for other bad vegans or aspirational bad vegans. Of course, there are so many dead-ass cool vegans, but people wouldn’t be scared to be vegan if cool vegans were the vocal ones. So today, I’m here to tell you that you can be a piece of shit fake vegan like me too! And if you’re a ~REAL VEGAN~, congratulations, you’re better than the rest of us, but you already knew that.

I became vegan for sex

I’ll admit sex is not the reason most people opt to be vegan. Most people think you need to have some great altruistic motive for eating plant-based. HAHAHAHA. Nah, I’m not one of those. Sure animals are cool, and saving the planet from global warming is tight, but those are very secondary benefits for me. The truth is: choosing to be vegan radically improved my ability to get fucked by my vegan-for-the-past-eight-years-girlfriend, that’s all. Eating meat brings me very little joy, whereas having sex with Honey Bunch makes me the happiest person on earth. Easy decision. Basic economics: the gains outweighs the loss. Plus, we live together, so cooking and eating the same things makes more sense. I secretly suspect that Honey Bunch is like vegan vegan, and while she would never prevent me from eating meat, I think her desire to fornicate increases when I’m not chewing her favorite animal (cows, obviously). All that to say, I know literally jackfruit about being vegan (on a given day I’m either overflowing with vegan B12 vitamin or close to death from astonishing depletion). Everything I know is from her, and I’m 100% not here to show you HOW to be vegan. Nope, I’m here to teach you vegan sex education.

What the fuck is vegan sex education?

I made that up. As I said, I’m a bad vegan but a pretty decent sex educator. So I‘m going to talk about veganism using the same principles that I apply to sexuality:

1. Autonomous choice

2. Unique preferences

3. Shame reduction

4. Anti-perfectionism

5. Nurturing exploration

If you’re interested in becoming a bad vegan, trying meat alternatives for the first time, or want to fuck a vegan girlfriend… let’s get into it!

Autonomous choice

I personally don’t subscribe to the idea that veganism has to be an identity; I think that’s what sets me apart from ~REAL VEGANS~. I believe that eating plant-based is a choice that you make (or don’t) every single time you put something in your mouth. You get to take responsibility for the impact of that choice on your health, morals, and environment, among other factors. Sure, eating meat is indisputably one of the leading causes of global warming. Sure, eating industrial meat is indisputably cruel. Sure, we could solve world hunger if we switched to a primarily plant-based diet. But I can’t tell y’all what to do. End of the day it is YOUR choice. And with choices comes flexibility. You don’t have to make the same decision every single time you eat. You might choose most of the time, like me, to eat plant-based, but have exceptions or occasionally seek variety. Having an abundance of choices is awesome! I really think people would be inclined to eat plant-based more frequently if they saw it as ongoing separate decisions, without having to commit veganism as an identity FOREVER OR ELSE.

Unique preferences

Similar to choice is a personal preference. We all like different things! Eating vegan is great… for some people. It’s literally impossible for others (think about folks with multiple allergies for example). And it’s the most revolting proposition for certain veggie-fearing cishet men with a lot to unpack around their masculinity. Either way, I don’t believe there’s an objective right or wrong. Everyone is different. Beyond health considerations, food is pleasure! I fucking LOVE eating moules frites. On the other hand, Honey Bunch, would NEVER put that in her mouth. We’re both right, it boils down to our unique appetite. People like different things in bed, we like different foods, and asking people to give up their favorite things kinda sucks. I really think that for some people choosing to be vegan is a lot harder because it doesn’t align as easily with their pallet. And sure, the pallet is flexible, but I focus on pleasure, and for some people changing that is very unpleasurable. Now, this is where it gets cool, there have been massive advances in food technology.  Blind taste-tests show people can’t tell the difference between real beef and plant-based alternatives like Impossible and Beyond. Fuck, that’s radical! If your favorite food is burgers, asking you to give that up would have been shitty in a previous time, but now it’s so easy to make the change without compromising a thing. No need to murder, just buy a slightly different package. Done. It should be that easy. I wish it wasn’t such a controversial statement. But I’m not stupid, I know how hard it is to convince most people to change, even if it’s completely logical. For example: I’ve heard so many people tell me that meat alternatives are “gross”… honey, what do you think of factory farming?? Either way, we can take it one step at a time. I’m a hypocrite too, it’s ok. I will continue to eat moules frites until they make plant-based mussels, and I will gladly switch to Beyond for my burgers in the meantime.

Shame reduction

I subscribe to this motto: stop judging what other people put into their holes unless it’s you. Just like sex education, there’s so much trash information about vegan diets. Everyone has their damn opinions, everyone feels entitled to tell everyone else how to live, and a lot of it is just plain wrong or based on judgmental conditioning. Folks get judged super harshly for being vegan. Vegans judge everyone for how they are or aren’t vegan. It’s all nonsense. Again, focus on your own holes, please. Shame has literally no place in the bedroom or at the table. There is nothing objectively shameful about any consensual sex act, and there is nothing objectively shameful about what you eat. The gatekeeping by ~REAL VEGANS~ as well as the stigma around veganism, is entirely unproductive. There’s not a single person who benefits from being told they should be ashamed of themselves. I really believe this is where compassionate education can come in. With my friends, I respect their choices to eat whatever (asides from teasing my meat-eating partner occasionally). I also give them the option to try meat substitutes alongside me and respect their preference. I know that for a lot of people, eating substitutes can be “weird” and normalizing these as viable alternatives starts with dismantling shame.

Anti-perfectionism

Along with shame reduction, we need to realize that being vegan isn’t absolute. While I mentioned that I don’t like to use “vegan” as an identity, I know most people do. I know that the pressure to be a perfect vegan can be intense (I admit I have cried after accidentally feeding Honey Bunch dairy). But that pressure for perfectionism is entirely imaginary. Just like *sockuality*, we need nuance in understanding identity labels. Let’s start with this: sexual orientation describes a GENERAL pattern of attraction. Cool, got it. Veganism describes a GENERAL dietary pattern. By those definitions, you can still be straight even if you have sex with someone of the same gender, and you can still be vegan if you sometimes eat meat. Your diet, just like your *sockual* orientation, doesn’t have to be rigidly enforced. You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, I think perfectionism scares the shit out of people and currently deters a lot of folks from even trying plant-based alternatives. If you choose to be vegan, you don’t have to always be perfect at it. Folks who keep track of your mistakes can get fucked with a non-GMO organic carrot. Again, mind your own holes.

Nurturing exploration

Finding things you like takes deliberate effort. So much of what we eat has been passed down to us culturally through our family. Food is a loaded topic, because it not only nourishes us, it’s also full of context. My family of origin is Quebecois and culturally they have a meat-heavy diet. Deciding to eat things outside of what you grew up with takes deliberate effort. When we’ve all been told that veggies are yucky and meat is yummy all of our lives, it can be really hard to change those attitudes. That’s why encouraging exploration is crucial. If you never ate delicious veggies or meat alternatives, it can be daunting. You might just not believe it’s possible. Just like when you’ve only been shown one version of sex (vanilla cis heterosexual man on top sex), it’s hard to picture anything else. I encourage you to try stuff! Try new things, if you don’t like them, you don’t have to eat them. It’s that simple. If you like it, great!! You’re already making an impact in how much less meat you’re consuming. Again, let pleasure lead and inform your diet. Not everyone is gonna be stoked on natto and it might be a really hard sell to replace morning eggs with slimy fermented soybeans. And you don’t have to. If you find that the Impossible burger is your shit, then great! Nothing is black and white. Eat what makes you happy. Discover ways to incorporate more vegan meals into your life, it’s as simple as exploring.

End of the day, you don’t need to meet anyone else’s definition of veganism. You don’t need to know everything about being vegan. You don’t need to know what you like yet. Just try some food, and see what happens. I’m perfectly content with my veganism because it’s the same as my approach to sex, drugs, and pleasure: I make informed decisions that consider the risk factors and optimize sustainable happiness. ~REAL VEGANS~ want you to believe that’s not enough. That you’re a demon if you eat honey. That is absolutely not my stance. Welcome to being a bad vegan. ~REAL VEGANS~ just need to mine their own holes.

Read Next:

Afropunk’s “DECOLONIZING VEGANISM TO MAKE IT MORE ACCESSIBLE AND LESS RACIST”

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