Consensually Alternative Relationship Structures

Here’s a quick overview of common relationship structures. Each varies in sexual and emotional exclusivity, amount of pals involved, and distribution of resources and decision-making power. These are generalizations and it’s good to keep in mind that there are pros and cons to each structure, and every person will practice slightly differently. (I really like the graphic on page 110 of Polysecure by Jessica Fern, where she plots out the different structures. If you’re a visual learner like me, check it out!)

Deliberate Monogamy

Probably the most commonly understood relationship structure. Deliberate monogamy describes couples who are both monosexual, sexually exclusive with a single partner, and monoamorous, in love with a single partner. Monogamy usually pertains to long-term committed relationships. 

Serial Monogamy

Folks who prefer to commit to one person at a time but have multiple consecutive partners over the course of their lives. While there tends to be stigma attached to this dating style from comp-mono culture, certain people prefer to deliberately practice serial monogamy. 

Monogamish

Coined by Dan Savage, this describes relationships that are monogamous (monoamorous & monosexual) but allow for certain periods of sexual non-exclusivity. This works well for long-term committed couples who occasionally want to play with others without necessarily maintaining those relationships. 

Mono-Polyam

Configurations where one partner is polyamorous and the other is monogamous. Folks will need to define further arrangements to address the asymmetrical relationship orientations. Vees, casual dating, or other agreements like poly-fidelity or monogamish arrangements can make this work.

Poly-Intimates / Ace Polyam

Couples who are sexually exclusive but have other emotionally intimate or platonic partnerships that share importance and resource. Many asexual and aromantic folks practice a variation of this structure which allows multiple emotionally non-exclusive relationships.

Poly-Fidelity

Poly-fidelity describes more than two people engaged in a closed relationship with each other. Examples are closed quads, triads, Vees, etc. New pals are not introduced into the polycule. Existing folks are generally polyamorous and polysexual within the established polycule. 

Swinging

Couples who play together with others. This can involve arrangements like swapping partners with another couple, participating in group sex, or having threesomes. The focus is on sexual experiences rather than maintaining multiple relationships.

Open Relationships

Similar to hierarchical polyam, open relationships tend to involve a primary couple who allows other sexual or intimate partnerships, though the level of emotional involvement tends to be more limited. Often this arrangement involves some form of veto power or couple’s privilege.

Solo-Polyam

Solo-polyam refers to folks who see themselves as their primary partners, want to maintain casual relationships, or prefer being single as their default dating state. Solo-polyam folks place their individuality above the demands of other relationships.

Hierarchical Polyam

Certain couples choose to have hierarchies in their polycule, distinguishing who has the most time/ resources/ and decision making power. Franklin Veaux describes the difference between prescriptive and descriptive hierarchy. Descriptive hierarchy being an ethical way to maneuver these power dynamics.

Non-Hierarchical Polyam

Non-hierarchical polyam means all pals have equal decision making power in the polycule and are able to decide democratically on time and resource allocation. This structure usually lends itself to kitchen-table polyamory where all people involved have friendly, intimate, or romantic relationships with each other.

Relationship Anarchy

The word “anarchos” simply means “without a ruler”. Relationship anarchy means practicing consensual alternative relationships that prioritize individual agency and responsibility. RA is a philosophy more than structure that seeks to abolish the hierarchy of importance that place romantic partnerships above all else.

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