Opening Your Relationship 101
Q: Help!! My pal wants to open our relationship, what do I do?
Look, I get it, deciding to be open in a relationship or trying to date a polyam pal can be scary, and honestly, you have every right to be freaking out. But take a deep breath, it’s easier that way. You’re here, presumably doing research, so that’s a great start already. Learning the most you can now is the best thing you can do. It takes time to switch to a new relationship structure, and it’s fine if you hit some road bumps in the beginning, I know I sure did (and I still do). Your relationship might not be how you originally planned or even wanted, but one of the skills polyam will encourage you to learn is how to manage expectations and be open to new outcomes. If you’re currently in a tough place, on a break with your current pal, considering breaking up, feeling unhappy and stuck, or experiencing a bout of jealousy, Here’s what I *suggest* you do right now:
Check out our Polyam 101 WORKBOOK to deepen your understanding!
Stay together* for the time being
If you are safe in your relationship and there isn’t any abuse or foundational problems preventing you from doing interpersonal work, my recommendation is to remain in the relationship so you can implement a different relationship structure
*NOTE: The reason I say “don’t break up” isn’t to force you to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy, but rather just to get you to understand that it’s normal for the first months (most likely year) will be more turbulent. If either pal can run at the sign of trouble, you won’t build the resiliency, communication skills, and flexibility required to sustain an ENM lifestyle long-term. Give yourself and your pals the ability to make mistakes, you’re learning to ride a non-monogamy bike, and you’re going to fall down from time to time, encourage each other to get up and continue practicing.
Commit to reading a book on ENM together
Even if you’ve done it in the past, you can never know too much about this subject! Pick a new one and read it together. Here’s my book list if you need suggestions! I also post video lectures each week to Patreon if reading isn’t your preference.
Try collaborating with your pal
You won’t get very far if you can’t collaborate in this process. See if it’s possible to come together and try to set some BAES that are supportive for you both, instead of a winner-takes-all mentality. It’s best if y’all can agree to a hybrid relationship structure that works for everyone.
Agree on a period of time
Don’t decide if ENM/ CARS is right for you immediately. I recommend 6 months if you haven’t introduced any new pals yet, and 3 months if you have new pals already involved. Do your best during that time not to break up or veto the existing relationships.*
Don’t Rush Things!
Don’t spontaneously start adding pals, decide to all move in together, plan an elaborate four-way marriage, etc. I hear lots of couples panicking because one pal is moving much faster than the other. Try to adjust the pace where you can meet each other.
Find professional help!
Having someone to moderate difficult conversations is a huge benefit, trust me. Make sure that your therapist understands polyam concepts. If they don’t please request they learn more in order to better assist you.
Find community!
Find the people who you can talk about polyamory with. You’ll find lots of monogamous folks might not really understand what you’re dealing with. It’s best to get advice from folks who know how to make this work. Find us here if you’re looking!
Keep challenging yourself
You’ll never get to a point where you’re perfect at polyam. No one will! But remain curious and open to learning. People often blame polyam but remember it’s just a relationship structure. The strength of the relationship depends on the pals.
I hope we got your juices flowing. As always, we aim to provide as much free and accessible content as possible; thanks to the amazing support of our patrons. Head over to our Patreon to support our work and get access to bonus content! If you have any questions or want to chat, please book a peer support session.